I did not have a healthy stress response when I started my parenting journey. When I grew up, I experienced different unhealthy patterns, leading me to begin living a stressed adult life. Until recently, I figured everyone felt the way I felt; always scared, out of control, stressed. I did not know that some people experience stress and let their emotions take a back seat.
Emotion regulation is vital for everyday life, the workplace, and healthy development. It helps students who have trouble studying and parents who have anger problems. Practicing emotion regulation helps keep the brain’s healthy alert systems functioning.
Let’s talk about emotion regulation as it pertains to brain development. This article will help you understand the way brains evolved, so you learn to manage strong emotions before turning to anger. We’ll dive into what causes dysregulation and the importance of healthy regulation for daily life. There are typical examples of daily stressors and ways people should practice coping; I’ll discuss each in-depth. If you are interested in learning tips for managing emotions during a child’s meltdown, check out this article!
What is Emotion Regulation?
People who can control, influence, and harness emotions to have productive behaviors during challenging situations practice emotion regulation. Emotion regulation requires feeling and understanding emotions to practice restraint and improve poor experiences.
People feel out of control because emotions take over and inhibit decisions. Think of a typical road rage example. Imagine driving (already late for work) and someone aggressively cuts you off. You have a choice to make as traffic speeds up and slows down up ahead. Some may go, “Woah, that lady is driving too fast!!” Others may choose to attempt beating her at her own game and swoop in front the next chance they get.
Emotion regulation reduces anxiety and distances people from their anger. Being in control helps people make better choices because their whole brain works as one cohesive unit and does not just react to threats. It becomes easier to think of alternative ways to respond or act during stress when the brain is in a state of calm.
It isn’t fun to be on high alert; it causes more stress, less planning, and chronic anxiety. The brain doesn’t learn to assess threats properly when everything is feared because it hasn’t had the chance to practice healthy alerts or warning signals. As a result, people react fearfully, not objectively.
What Triggers Emotional Dysregulation?
If emotion regulation is the awareness of emotional responses, what happens when people explode and get aggressive?
Also called down-regulation, emotional regulation dampens the effect emotions have on our brain.
The prefrontal cortex shuts down during highly stressful events, and the limbic system takes over, causing people to be powerless over their emotions. It is the incapacity to use other healthier responses to stress.
When people do not control their emotional responses, they forgo any other healthy responses. It is common for people to feel overwhelmed, angry, helpless, and fatigued.
- The prefrontal cortex is the front part of the brain, just behind our forehead; its purpose is related to controlling, planning, and decision-making. Researchers have found that emotion regulation is controlled in the area as well.
- The limbic system is also referred to “reptilian brain” and is the oldest of all the parts of the brain, having been dated back to mammal’s first appearance. It controls essential human needs like breathing, heart rate, and temperature; it is also highly capable of assessing a potential threat and causes people to “defend territories, hunt, and eat.”
Because the limbic system was so involved in protecting territories, people evolved to experience highly emotional responses to everyday stressors. Since the prefrontal cortex is not as active during emotional responses, our typical responses disappear, and the emotional state floods the brain.
Dysregulation causes:
- generalized anxiety disorders
- depression
- poor relationships
- substance abuse problems
The three areas of the brain usually work together. Still, during a confrontation or mild stress, the prefrontal cortex fails to operate as usual, resulting in panic, anxiety, and highly emotional responses to stress.
People misinterpret each other as threats, and our unique wiring has evolved to cause impulsion, anger, anxiety, and major panic, during a mildly challenging experience.
How Does Emotional Regulation Work?
To go back to full brain function, it is essential to change the way you experience the intensity of the emotions that tend to take over. When people learn to acknowledge and validate their fear as normal, they will likely recover from intense emotions quicker.
People experiencing stressful situations must learn to remain flexible and work with their emotions. It is crucial to have reasonable responses to stressors because it’s unlikely the brain can plan efficiently while on high alert.
Some things are naturally stressful; school, work, driving, children’s meltdowns, etc. While the body can handle a healthy stress level, some find that emotions take a wild ride and dictate moods and behaviors. Understanding the different reasons regulation improves stressful situations helps when put into that environment.
Ways emotion regulation improves situations:
- People understand that others are not a physical threat, calming the brain areas in panic.
- Communication improves when others don’t feel threatened.
- Relationships strengthen because people relate to one another and problem-solve.
- Emotions get used healthily; they do not control situations.
- The intensity of feelings decreases.
The Importance of Emotion Regulation
Parent/Child Relationships
There is no denying the pressure parents experience when wrangling young children. Kids are needy and take a long time to develop verbal skills. Sometimes, they scream in terror at mild nuisances and demand things promptly. They don’t understand adults’ multiple responsibilities but crave constant interaction, love, and support.
During infancy, parents are the sole provider and must remain as regulated as possible to meet the demands of the distressed infant. As they grow, the attachment between the baby and parents shifts as the brain accommodates new patterns in life. Some people call this the “parent brain” because it is accompanied by sensitivity, memory loss, compassion, and constant care during the early years of life.
Reasons emotion regulation helps parent/child relationships:
- Infants are cared for properly.
- Cues help parents and children bond.
- Parents become tolerant of annoying behaviors.
- Children witness parents practice mindfulness.
- Communication is clearer when parents do not act out emotionally.
- Children learn that parents do not overreact during demanding requests.
- Parents connect with children, increasing love and affection.
School Environments
Parents aren’t the only ones practicing emotion regulation; educators and students identify behavioral patterns and triggers. School relationships are critical to children’s success and require a different type of regulation because teachers are not students’ parents.
Children get aggressive with others, causing uproar and confusion as teachers and administrators attend to their needs. Often, teachers want to help but may not understand the situation; distancing themselves may be safer for their well-being but may look like they are ignoring student issues.
Regardless of the drama, students must learn emotion regulation at school. Likewise, teachers and instructors should identify common emotional triggers to help young students.
Learning: Children in an environment with few emotional distractions learn to focus and learn more efficiently. Emotions cause very disruptive behaviors, limiting the capacity for learning as kids and teens manage personal emotions. Those who have trouble regulating emotions often have learning disabilities or lack eagerness to learn.
Peer relationships: Imagine a child is smacking anothers’ rear end with no consent. The hurt person in this situation will communicate boundaries without offending or damaging the relationship by not getting too emotional. Teens especially practice pushing boundaries, and if emotion regulation keeps the adolescent in control, they will likely understand how to express discomfort, proving they are in the friendship for the long haul.
Mental health: Staying regulated helps people stay calm and mindful of the situation. The brain does not feel a state of panic, nor does it rely on anxious tendencies to make crucial decisions. Emotion regulation improves the prefrontal cortex’s ability to make choices, resulting in positive thoughts associated with planning and control.
Student-teacher relationships: Teachers often take on a mentor-type role, coaching and guiding children and teens as they make decisions throughout the day. Their relationship is unique and different from peers or family because they spend so much time together but are typically not related. When children feel vulnerable with teachers, they strengthen the relationships and problem-solve together. Teachers become essential role models for students struggling with mental health disorders.
Work Situations and Public
Curbing emotional responses doesn’t only happen in school and at home. Adults must learn to regulate with other adults too. Stressful office environments and different work scenarios cause people to freak over small things. It could be a deadline or a patron demanding another cup of coffee that puts people over the edge. Adults might be in a public place pumping gas when someone takes their spot or at a local mall, shocked to see all the parking spaces filled.
Emotion regulation in public places helps adults because:
- Communication between co-workers is more transparent.
- Workers are more efficient.
- Active listening skills improve.
- Deadlines are met.
- Chores get done efficiently.
- People model healthy stress responses for one another.
- Adults stay safe and don’t overreact.
- People learn to tolerate others.
Examples of Emotion Regulation
If this article hasn’t provided enough examples, I’d love to dive deeper into some everyday stressful situations that get people emotional. I did touch the surface, but the following will examine some specific examples of emotion regulation during family life, work, on the road, and at the store so you can get a better picture of what I am talking about.
Everyday Family Life
OK, picture this! You are the mom of two young boys, ages three and seven. You have happily gotten up out of bed to begin your day to find their bed messy, but they are not in it. You see they are on the couch safely occupied, so you attempt your morning shower routine.
While you are brushing your teeth, you are interrupted by your three-year-old, who says, “Mommy, poo.” Confused, you look around and say, “No, brush teeth.” Your child points down and says, “Poo poo.” You are shocked as you realize your youngest son has pooped the bed. You must change the sheets, clean the poop off the couch, and take the dog out before poop spreads all over the house. So, you take a deep breath and begin chores before getting clean yourself.
After starting the laundry and snapping the dog to the outdoor line, you try getting dressed as you hear your phone ringing. It is your husband who has just gotten into a fender bender. He forgot the new insurance card and needs you to drop it off for the accident documentation. You strap the kids in with their rice cakes and take the card; you are still in your pajamas. You roll down the window to get some fresh air, breathing deeply, and singing the alphabet with your sons.
Once back at home, you successfully shower, dress, and make a hot cup of coffee. Whew. What a relief! But, you notice the washing machine is making a funny noise because it is out of balance from the bulky sheets. Not a big deal, right? You put on some gloves and take the plunge. Holding your breath for a moment, you rearrange the sheets.
Once balanced, you tell yourself to go outside on the porch with your morning beverage. You turn on an educational program for the kids, sit in the sunshine and call your sister to tell her about your hectic morning.
In the Workplace
Imagine you work at a restaurant, and it is a busy Sunday brunch. The patrons are lined up, and it is barely opening time. You get on your apron, swig some water, and eat a bagel before serving hangry guests. You are responsible for feeding 30 people at a time, a fairly typical Sunday.
The first table sits on a large wooden bench with a table attached to the wall. They notice the sun shining through the windows and stare at the beautiful scenery. Glancing at the menu, they see you have cocktails. You approach them to take their drink order as you notice two other tables getting sat at the exact same time. Heavy drinkers, your first table orders cocktails, wine, and two starters from the brunch menu. You calmly depart, heading straight for the computer monitor.
Before getting there, your second table behind you demands a napkin for their gum. You say, “I don’t have one, but I’ll get one in a moment.” Annoyed, they say, “I’ll order then. I’m ready.” You take a deep breath in, get your paper pad out, and take their order. Since you are still around the guests, you check with the third table, saying that you will return shortly.
Impatient, the first table of drinkers asks if their drinks are ready. They are really excited to try the mimosas. You politely say, “Not yet; they will be out shortly.” After submitting the orders for the first and second tables, you take the third table’s order, give the gum chewer a napkin, then hear an ear-shattering crash sound in the distance. It is all the cocktails; a new staff member has dropped the tray.
You approach the drinkers to tell them that the large crash was their drink order but that the bartender will remake them. Turning around, you notice the appetizers arriving. They are displeased, but you offer a smile and say they can get an extra round of crusty bread and potatoes.
The rest of the morning is disjointed and unbalanced as the restaurant adapts to the influx of hungry guests. The kitchen runs out of bacon, so you offer guests sausage, and the bathroom door is getting stuck, creating a pileup in a bustling area of the restaurant. There is still tons more to do, so you make some tea, open a window, and ask your boss to approach the other eight guests that haven’t been greeted.
On the Road
This Saturday afternoon, you attempt to go to the store for some party supplies; your partner got a raise, and you want to surprise him with a party. On the way, you notice the car dings, signaling a low tank. The party supplies store closes at 4 pm, but you know you can’t make it on a low gas tank. You make a detour for the closest gas station.
Creeping closer to the station, you notice a free pump and approach the gas, but another car swerves ahead, backing in quicker than you can blink. Frustrated, you could have flipped the bird. Instead, you make a circle, looking for another during this busy afternoon. Unsuccessful, you decide you park behind another vehicle and get an iced tea to drink while you wait.
Eventually, you move forward, pump gas, clean your mirrors and throw away the tea bottle. Looking down at the time, you notice it is 15 minutes after 3. You will make it to the store if you take the bridge. You drive away, heading for the bridge, but the traffic blocks the bridge entrance.
Hearing sirens blare is a good indicator of an accident. Patiently trudging through the traffic, you finally make it to a clearing, but you know time is pretty short. You make it to the party store on time, grab the decorations and leave. Whew!
Strategies for Emotion Regulation
You can make the best choices during stressful situations! I know it. There are strategies for managing intense emotions. It is unlikely that you will never feel overwhelmed by intense feelings, but understanding the options will increase the chances of handling emotional events.
The following is an easy way to remember how to make the best out of an emotional situation.
Feel the emotion: Giving yourself a moment to acknowledge your emotional self will help you identify the feeling. The goal is to not distract yourself from the rushing experience that flushes your cheeks or fills your tummy with butterflies. Please take a moment to stay present and in the body to get the full effect before it races away.
Understand the emotion: After having the chance to accept the feeling, try labeling, rating, and verbalizing the emotion. If you feel over-excited, it helps to it aloud. “I feel really excited about my approval letter!” Similarly, anger overwhelms people. By understanding how intense the feeling is and going to another person for support, you limit its control and become the power.
Channel the emotion: This is a step many people forget! There is power in emotions when the brain is in control over reactions. After feeling and understanding emotional responses, channel the feeling to respond appropriately to the situation. This gives you motivation and energy during stressful encounters.
Keep the emotion: Please don’t throw the emotion away. Give it thanks and place it gently on a shelf. Keeping the feeling handy will help you in the future as you experience more intense situations. You know its value and understand it is for safety. Keep it close, and remember it is for your benefit.
Conclusion
There is a lot to mindfulness, healthy routines, and emotional wellbeing. Many psychologists recommend going to a therapist if emotions stay out of control or are hard to manage. Sometimes, they prescribe medication or help with healthy routines. For many, though, it can be easy to do. Understand that emotions kept us safe in the past. Our modern stressors look like massive threats to the brain, but it doesn’t have to dictate behaviors. Use the energy you would on fighting to stay motivated and healthy.