Why Does Your Son Only Listen to His Dad?

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You go to make your son’s breakfast or tie his shoes, and you hear, “Nooooo! I want Daddy to do it!” Your older son isn’t taking out the trash, even though you’ve now asked him twice, but when Dad comes in, he gets up without any hesitation to do it. Every day feels like it’s Father’s Day, and you start wondering why your son only listens to his dad.

Your son only listens to his dad because of developmental, social, and psychological reasons. It’s a biological imperative for boys to create strong father-son bonds. This bond is essential to the foundation of your son’s life as he matures towards adulthood.

A father’s engagement, or lack thereof, with his son can affect academic and interpersonal relationships that impact the future trajectory of the son’s life. A boy’s relationship with his father helps form the foundation for other male relationships with classmates, colleagues, and so on. Read on to learn about why your son only listens to his dad.

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Other Reasons Why Your Son Only Listens to Dad

Before we dive into the psychological and emotional, attachment-based reasons your son may be more likely to listen to his dad than you, let’s examine a few easy-to-spot factors that could be contributing to this behavior. After all, other family dynamics can affect the interpersonal relationships of the family.

Some personal introspection may be necessary here to more fully understand why your son tunes into his father. Potential causes include the following:

You don’t follow through on consequences, but the father does. Children learn early on who’ll do what they say consistently.
You give in when dealing with disciplinary action. If your “no” often turns into a “yes,” you show that you’re easy to bargain with and that perhaps they can repeat the negative behavior again in the future.
You say things such as “Wait until your father comes home,” or “I am going to tell your father.” This sets the tone that you’re not on the same level as his father and don’t have authority regarding discipline.
You’re always the disciplinarian, and the father is the fun and playful one. Your son will want to interact with the fun and entertaining parent without fear of consequences.
The father disrespects you in front of your son. This takes away your authority and credibility, and your son may follow his lead and treat you in the same way.

Any of these factors could contribute to your son’s eagerness to listen to his dad instead of you. Now, let’s delve more deeply into childhood development and the stages of attachment.

Child Development

Every child’s primary psychological goal is to develop a secure and healthy attachment to the mother for the first year of their infant life. This phase produces a sense of trust and security. However, a father’s role in his children’s life is just as important as the mother’s.

As your son begins to develop motor skills for crawling, walking, and running, he starts to separate from mom. He may become more physically active with his dad, bonding through play.

This type of play is essential to a boy’s development since it teaches him how to deal with aggression and regulate emotions. Self-regulation gives a child the ability to express himself without resorting to negative verbal or physical actions.

Parents should support their children in developing self-reliance and independence separate from them. Healthy attachments with parents can help foster this life goal.

The Children’s Bureau, an organization that helps prevent child abuse and provides treatment and welfare services, presents on their website some additional facts about fathers’ engagement in their children’s lives from a non-profit fatherhood project.

These include substantial and positive health outcomes for infants, such as weight gain and breastfeeding success and an increased likelihood the children will go to college and find stable employment. Other outcomes could be the decreased chance of teen pregnancy or time spent in jail, overall positive emotional well-being, and reduced rates of depression.

Types of Attachment

Strong bonds can form a healthy attachment between boys and their fathers. This can support higher intellectual functioning, good verbal skills, and an improved frustration tolerance that carries over into the potentially challenging adolescent years.

Over-attachment is when a boy clings to his father and won’t socialize with peers for fear of not having time with his dad. This can create an unhealthy relationship if the father and son are too interdependent, thus affecting the child’s development, independence, and social skills.

Lack of attachment with a father can contribute to severe consequences, possibly hindering social skills with peers and females, intellectual development, and future economic status. Children may have low self-esteem, truancy and delinquency, promiscuity, drug and alcohol abuse, and physical and mental health issues without a father figure.

Boys raised by single or widowed moms can still have positive male role models to counteract the potential effects of the lack of a father figure in the household. These adoptive male role models should be consistently involved with the child long-term.

Most importantly, a boy’s attachment with his father should have a balance of consistency and age-appropriate independence.

Help Your Son Find a Male Mentor

If your son doesn’t have a father actively involved in his life, consider a male mentor. Other adults can be a positive force in children’s lives and build a foundation of trust, security, and guidance with them.

A mentor can provide a listening ear, encouragement and advice, skill-based knowledge, positive role modeling of values, and support in reaching their goals.

A child should be able to trust and feel comfortable with the mentor, spending time together consistently.

Mentors could be teachers, college students, older relatives, or coaches. They could be found in places of worship or national mentoring programs such as the National Mentoring Partnership or the Foster Grandparent Program. These programs can provide safe venues to connect children with adults.

To ensure a safe mentor relationship, make sure your child knows basic personal safety rules. They should be encouraged to trust their own instincts and that you’re open and available to talk about anything that makes them feel uncomfortable.

Importantly, take your time finding a good mentor match for your child. Mentorship is successful when they reap the benefits of spending time together.

Remedies To Try for Mothers

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Families may need counseling to remedy some of the issues here. These go beyond the developmental attachments that children form with their parents. Communication and conversation based on love and respect can help both parents raise a healthy son.

Consider the following:

Follow through on consequences and be firm with “no.” Your son will notice that you mean what you say.
Communicate with the father before deciding on disciplinary action. Resolve conflicts of interest privately to present a cohesive plan that shows your son the strength of your partnership.
Discipline together. This presents a united and equal front that demonstrates the strength of the child’s parents’ relationship.
Work as a team. Showing respect towards each other demonstrates how your child can be respectful himself. A united pair will help parents guide their children towards becoming well-behaved and well-rounded individuals.
Manage your feelings. It’s okay to feel upset if your child pushes you away. Consider talking about your emotions with the father or another trusted adult. Try positive self-talk.
Strengthen your connection with your child. Spend some one-on-one time together doing something enjoyable. Find out what your son likes.
Read a book. The Chase Hill Healthy Boundaries (available on Amazon.com), is a great book that talks about setting healthy boundaries that foster love and respect without inducing conflict.

Setting a foundation of consistency, love, and mutual respect with your son’s father will show your child that he’s in a safe, secure, and predictable environment. This will positively impact his development path into maturity.

Remedies To Try for Fathers

Dads may want to develop a stronger relationship with their sons as well. Fathers can become actively involved in their child’s life, engaging in what they like to do. Consider creating a scheduled or ritualistic time together, such as bath time or playing basketball.

Spending time together will help you to know your child more deeply. Let him make decisions about the things he wants to do with you. Support his choices and goals. Listen to him share about the stresses and joys in his life.

As previously mentioned, the father needs to be on the same team as the mother. He should speak positively about her in front of their child to foster an environment of respect. Parents must model desired behaviors to their children.

Fathers can think about the legacy they want to impress upon their children. Think about what you hope your son will say about you twenty years from now.

When you invest your time and attention in your son, you show him that he deserves your time, love, and engagement. The benefits of this connection will last for a lifetime.

Conclusion

Sons need both of their parents consistently involved in their lives. In particular, the father-son attachment is crucial for their proper development. A positive father and son relationship helps to foster respect, academic growth, mental health stability, and overall social well-being.

These attributes will raise sons that will become positive male mentors or fathers in adulthood, thus passing on their fathers’ legacies.