Why Do Children Lie? Signs, Ways to Help

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Children lie all the time for various reasons. Kids want what they want and are developing at their own rate. They see other people doing certain things to achieve their goals, and they just want to get in on that action. Don’t worry a bit.

Kids lie due to their developing brains. Younger children are creating memories, making mistakes, and telling stories. Older kids want to be in control and maintain privacy.

You may want to know how to punish, discipline, or handle a dishonest child.

Let’s talk about some different reasons children lie, why it is considered normal, and some tell-tale signs your kid is less than honest. I’ll discuss some of the typical ages kids lie and ways to deal with your lying kid, so they will be more truthful. Let’s do this thang!

What Causes Children to Lie

Lying children are developing children. There are many reasons children lie due to the development of stress, cognition, and identity. I will explain them briefly in this article for you to read.

Stress

Children experience different types of stress –personal, family, and peer– and are learning to work through it. Kids lie when stressed for various reasons and sometimes experience different emotions during miscommunication.

Children are likely to become emotional, which increases the chance of lying as they work through emotions and problematic situations. They may be angry, frustrated, or pressured by peers or family members to do something and lie as a result.

Developing Cognition

Immature brains are growing, and they are constantly working to achieve by identifying patterns that lead to success. As they recognize patterns, young brains try different things to assess the success of that pathway.

Sometimes, lying happens when they simply try new things because they want to get what they want. The young brain is impulsive and quick to make decisions that may or may not help them succeed.

Growing an Identity

As kids develop, they learn that they are unique and different. Because they want to feel separate from other people, they try new things to gain an identity and seek attention for their actions.

Children want to have fun and impress other kids as they learn and grow alongside them. They know to get attention from people in various ways, and they are developing a personal threshold for how they gain attention.

I created a massive list underneath of different reasons that kids lie due to the development of stress, cognition, and identity. Don’t focus on categorizing the reasons because many are due to the development of others.

They are stressed	They are developing cognition	They are growing an identity
They made a mistake	The brain is developing patterns	They want to impress other people
They are emotional	They deny behaviors to avoid confrontation	They are playing a game
They are scared	They realize that parents may or may not be tricked	They are having fun
The family is experiencing stress	They are developing a theory of mind	They are gaining values and morals
They may be experiencing anxiety	They have quick behaviors and actions	They are finding a personal threshold for lying
They want to avoid peer or family conflicts	Their memory is developing	They are seeking attention
They have made a promise to another person	They misremember something and are confused	They are exercising their options
The truth won’t get them what they want	They are following patterns to get attention from others	They are learning about their body
They are pressured by peers	They see that parents or siblings may lie to get what they want	They are learning which options feel good for them
They are experiencing anger	They want to feel in control of a situation	They are playing pretend
They are failing at a task	They have an active imagination	They are developing emotions
They are tired	They are developing self-worth	They are learning about society
They crave independence	They are impulsive	They want to be in control
They demand privacy	They are developing habits	They crave all types of interaction
They feel embarrassed	They are developing autonomy	They want to fit it

Reasons kids lie
© 2022 Copyright Mission Momplex

Why My 5-year-old Child Lies

Here are a few specific reasons that kids lie due to their maturing brains. This chart is separated by age ranges.

Check out the chart above to see which age range they may fall under. Don’t stress too much if they overlap because many are growing or may be developed.

The reasons kids lie can be the same whether a child is 5 or 15. However, The setting will be developmentally appropriate for the child’s age. A 5-year-old child will lie when playing pretend while still playing a fantasy role at a children’s theater club. A 15-year-old will lie when they are acting out a stressful family memory for a group of friends at a local park.

Ages 2 to 3	Ages 4 to 8	Ages 9 to 12	Ages 13 to 18
Avoid conflict	Anxiety	Impulsiveness	Unhealthy habits
Mistakes	Story-telling	Developing habits	Privacy
Confusion	Embarrassment	Peer groups	Control
Developing memory	Attention	Gain independence	Autonomy

Reasons kids lie by age
© 2022 Copyright Mission Momplex

Is it Normal For a Child to Lie

It is pretty normal for kids to lie because they are growing, learning, and developing.

Eileen Kennedy-Moore, Ph.D., says a study from the University of Waterloo found that “96% of children lie at some point. Four-year-olds lie, on average, every two hours, and six-year-olds lie, on average, every hour.”

“… lying requires sophisticated thinking.”
Why Kids Lie and What to Do About It |… | PBS KIDS for Parents

Lying is a good sign that they are developing cognition and establishing an identity. Lying is a typical part of human growth.
Children are experimenting with other people’s boundaries to test limits and experience a level of authority over others –which is normal. They have a goal and are practicing getting what they want.
As they encounter other people’s behavioral patterns, they learn to practice their own by mimicking developmentally appropriate ones.

What Are Some Signs Your Child is Lying

There are some tell-tale signs that children lie. No matter their age, they will probably experience weird language patterns and odd facial behaviors.

Signs that your child is lying probably make your child look strange. They might be withdrawn and avoid contact with you. Young children will likely stumble over words and sound weird, but older children will want to avoid you altogether.

Most children will appear uncomfortable, respond strangely to questions, and make odd language transitions –clearing their throat, changing the topic, overfocusing on details. They may have noticeable body movements like leg tapping or facial expressions like quick blinking and head tilting.

More Signs or Cues Your Child is Lying

Children may experience fear, then happiness, or act defensively than loving. They might sweat, snap, fidget, skin-pick, itch, neck rub, be anxious to depart, or change the topic.

Signs children are lying
© 2022 Copyright Mission Momplex

At What Age Do Kids Start Lying

Children as young as two learn to lie to change the subject and dismiss confrontation.

The website Raising Children and PBS for parents say children around ages 2 to 3 begin lying. Children lie because they refuse to admit to a particular behavior and don’t want to cause conflict. They understand around two or three that parents may or may not be manipulated or tricked, and they aim to avoid further problems.

What Age Group Lies the Most

Teenagers are most likely to lie compared to different age groups because they develop an immature part of the brain and practice risky behaviors.

This article states researchers at the University of Amsterdam determined that teenagers were more likely to lie than any other age.

Teens feel misunderstood and judged for their actions. They likely want to control the amount of information people know about them and, as a result, lie to keep information private.

Adolescent behaviors are more dangerous because their brain is developing the pre-frontal cortex. They likely want to keep their behaviors hidden as they learn about their safety thresholds.

What to do When You Catch a Child Lying

If you are worried that your child is lying to you, don’t freak out too much over it. It is pretty normal for kids to lie, and there are things you can do about it.

Here are four steps to take when kids start lying.

Decide the severity of the lie
Support their goals and interests
Actively listen to them, so they process their idea
Decide whether it requires more guidance

First, decide the severity of the lie.

Assess the level of lying to determine your behavior.

The Child Mind Institute recommends first understanding which stage of lying your child is in to figure out how you can help or possibly punish your child for lying.

There are different kinds of lies, according to The Child Mind Institute.

The three kinds of lying stated in the Child Mind Institute are

Attention-seeking
Storytelling
Serious misbehaviors

Second, think about how you can help support their goals or interests.

Once you have identified the severity of the lie, try to help them. Children usually want attention, support with an idea, or serious guidance.

They might want to lie because they don’t think you understand their idea or want to tell a story to you to get attention.

It might be easier for them to lie about it than try to explain it to you. Take the time to understand what they are doing –activity, project, compiling materials, communicating with a sibling– and ask them to elaborate on their goal.

An example of support

If a 5-year-old lies about hitting a younger sibling, try to help them rebuild the block project that the younger sibling destroyed.

Third, practice actively listening to them so they learn to take the time to explain themselves.

Listen to them and don’t respond with judgment or say no to a task yet. Stay kind and compassionate as they try to explain their situation to you, especially if they are struggling.

If they have trouble, reassure them by saying that you are listening, and your goal is to understand them better to help them.

When parents listen, children also get a chance to process their ideas more efficiently because they understand how to explain their goals and steps for achieving something.

Lastly, decide whether it is harmless or worth more intense guidance or “consequence.”

If they are telling a story or showing off to friends, it is probably fine they are fibbing. If it is more serious, consider whether they are in danger to determine whether the misbehavior is worth a more severe outcome.

I like to think of more gentle approaches to punishments so children don’t feel attacked.

So instead of wording it as a punishment, try to explain that it is guidance or coaching because you want them to be safe.

An example of guidance

If they are driving unsafely and accidentally run into a stop sign and lie about it, they may still need an adult in the car the next time they go to a friend’s house, so they don’t run into another stop sign.

How to Stop My Child from Lying

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Toddlers most likely want attention. Try playing with them more if you notice they lie. As they grow, help them understand that lying makes it confusing for parents to help children. Teach them to help you understand by keeping the conversation open. You want to help them with a goal, right? Explain that you are not attacking them by questioning their statements because you are just confused.

Try playing games with young kids that make you look silly when they lie so they see how disorienting it can be for you when they lie. Seriously, it is great.

Say, “Tell me that lie again. The one where you said you were really eating your cereal when you were actually sneaking my chocolate.” Then when they pretend to eat your chocolate fumble around the house confused saying “I thought you were over here eating your cereal. Where could you be? You aren’t sneaking my chocolate are you?” Dr. Lawrence Cohen wrote an awesome book called Playful Parenting. He describes in great detail the best games to play with kids.
You can play this game with any lie they might try. They might say “I am brushing my teeth” but they decide to keep playing a game. Go to the bathroom and act confused because they aren’t brushing their teeth. Look around the house confused and panicky until you find them on the floor playing their game. Then politely ask them to brush their teeth again.

Consider more bonding time –which usually means more active listening time– to ensure you understand your child’s motives. Being on top of their interests will help you prepare for future lying because you might predict patterns. Try to help them or guide them before they need to lie.

For older children, consider more guidance, so they learn to value the safety aspect. The dangers of lying might be more severe. If they cannot spend more time with you because –hey, let’s face it, they are teens– just be honest. Say you are concerned and want to help them be safer.

Don’t judge their immature behaviors. Teens definitely don’t want you to judge their actions.

Stay focused on yourself and the way you feel –as a parent– so your child learns that you are not trying to stop them from being independent. Focus on the safety aspect and not the “I am a giant human treading on your independence” idea they might naturally hear. Even if they keep misunderstanding, try to reinforce the safety issues and remain open to listening to their suggestions.

Other Ideas Parents Should Try When Kids Lie Constantly

Evaluate your behaviors and lying habits
Be empathetic with yourself and your kids
Give children multiple options
Actively listen to children so they learn to value their ideas
Support your child’s goals and interests
Create your own boundaries if lying is hurting you
Revisit the topic of lying at a later date
Don’t ignore it; it may be a sign
Ask your child if they need your help
Use kind words
Focus on your feelings without projecting
Create meaningful opportunities to engage in your child’s interests and ideas
Be silly to lighten the heavy effects this topic can sometimes have
Model healthy forgiveness
Teach them that the truth will avoid future problems and confusion

Final Thoughts

Now, you should understand a bit more about why kids lie. We discussed some different reasons children lie and why it is related to cognitive development. There are some signs that kids are lying, and it is okay to investigate. Remember, it is normal and natural for children to be less than honest. Try to be strong for them while developing and give them different options, so they learn to trust the process and personal development as they search for unique goals.