As parents grow and change, the older methods used to rear children slowly fade out. More people are challenging ancient practices that no longer serve contemporary parents, and almost 70% of parents say that if they were aware of positive parenting tactics, they would use them.
Unconditional parenting methods consider the parent-child relationship and long-term outcomes. Children should feel loved and supported regardless of their behaviors. Parents should not reject, reward, or punish but communicate healthy boundaries and observations.
Parents might want to control, discipline, or force as a means to an end, but who does that benefit? Children may not have an end result in mind yet, and as such, parents should consider the time and effort it takes to brainstorm ideas as children adjust to their rapidly growing brains.
Many parents criticize unconditional parenting methods because they believe it is a passive way to parent; kids should not be allowed to do whatever they want all the time. Later on, I will discuss why parents are less than thrilled by this parenting strategy because it is remarkably different from traditional praise-punish habits.
This article will briefly discuss author and lecturer Alfie Kohn and describe how parents can adopt more modern parenting strategies. Let’s dive into some unconditional parenting principles and tips for building healthy, loving relationships with children!
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Alfie Kohn
Author and lecturer Alfie Kohn is “the country’s most outspoken critic of education’s fixation on grades [and] test scores.” He has written 14 books, including Unconditional Parenting, and talks about behavior, parenting, and education.
I have read Alfie Kohn’s book Unconditional Parenting multiple times and have spoken with him on Twitter several times. His parenting strategies have worked for my family, and I wonder why parents haven’t talked more widely about the principles of unconditional parenting.
While I ponder some of the principles of unconditional parenting, I find myself drawn to the freedom it has provided my family; I am a proponent of unconditional parenting.
However, I understand people have some questions.
Here is a question I asked him once.
Does responding enthusiastically count as positive reinforcement?
Whether it counts as positive reinforcement depends on how we define that phrase. The more important question, I think, is whether it’s potentially damaging. And that depends partly on our intent (are we attempting to manipulate by reinforcing a behavior) and even more on how it’s experienced by the child.
Alfie Kohn
Principles of Unconditional Parenting
There are tons of parenting books; I feel like I have read them all. Okay, I am being dramatic. I have read many parenting books, but none have coached me to be carefree and loving like Alfie Kohn’s book, Unconditional Parenting.
Unconditional parenting is based on identifying children’s needs rather than forcing them into submission. Instead of creating more fuel for the fire, parents should understand that children have unique interests, goals, and temperaments that cause typical childlike behaviors.
Sure, there will be drama. I also understand that children are living, breathing, moving human people. Children want to feel loved and understood, especially when they have hard days or miscommunicate their true intentions.
Have you ever shoved your foot into a shoe that was too small?
Kids can not fit into a perfect box perceived as more user-friendly; they need room to grow and expand.
Here are the 13 principles from the book Unconditional Parenting.
- Be reflective.
- Reconsider your requests.
- Keep your eye on your long-term goals.
- Put the relationship first.
- Change how you see, not just how you act.
- Respect.
- Be authentic.
- Talk less, ask more.
- Keep their ages in mind.
- Attribute to children the best possible motive consistent with the facts.
- Don’t stick your no’s in unnecessarily.
- Don’t be rigid.
- Don’t be in a hurry.
Please consider purchasing the book for a more in-depth look!
Unconditional Parenting Characteristics
Most people believe their children feel loved just because parents inherently feel love for them. However, effective parenting relies on adults’ ability to put generations of poor habits on a shelf, so they can teach children by building trust and improving communication.
For years, parents have used their power to impose standards on kids, which teaches them to value adult reactions instead of a potential relationship. Feelings of inferiority have pushed parents to use harsh punishments and discipline to set arbitrary limits on children, distancing children from honest relationships with meaningful boundaries.
It doesn’t have to be this way anymore!
When parents understand that kids have unique interests, goals, temperaments, and behaviors, they will outwardly express love and compassion, regardless of their perception of the child’s behavior. Unconditional love is a conscious parenting philosophy that shifts parents away from rewards and punishments, so they learn to identify common patterns and value building unique relationships with children.
Tips for Unconditional Parenting
- Tolerate children’s behaviors without using love as a way to demand compliance.
- Show children that you want to understand their motives and intentions.
- Learn to cooperate with children without holding your love for them over their heads.
- Identify personal triggers from your childhood to notice demanding patterns.
- Try not to set arbitrary limits because of a lack of understanding.
- Learn ways to listen to children without judging actions.
- Stay curious with your children to develop healthy reactions.
- Promote problem-solving so they learn to manage their issues independently.
- Ask more questions to understand children’s motives.
Understanding Rewards and Punishments
Rewards are remarkably ineffective at improving the quality of people’s work or learning.
(Kohn, 2006)
Do Rewards Motivate Children?
Parents should encourage children to understand behaviors and their effects on others without rewarding for “good” behaviors or punishing for “bad” ones.
Rewards control children; they don’t teach them why they should or shouldn’t do something. This type of love withdrawal motivates children to crave rewards, gifts, and praise instead of teaching why people should help with chores, clean their butts, and eat proper diets.
People have used reward systems as a form of parenting for many years, with behavioralists and psychologists promoting it heavily into the 1990s. Even the CDC recommends reward systems for toddlers and preschoolers, saying rewards promote “behaviors and increase self-esteem.”
Older research shows that behavioralists believed rewards were helpful and were an “effective method of modifying human behavior.” These practices are commonly used in schools, community centers, child care centers, and homes to motivate children to do what is asked.
Some use verbal praise, while others use more tangible items like sticker charts, magnet charts, or trips to a candy shop. Frequently used terms like rewards, encouragements, praise, and reinforcement are commonly heard in daily interactions between parents.
The brain is wired to respond to incentives; rewards do change how people behave.
But, it’s not what you think.
When rewards do work, they are often short-term solutions, and they do not consider the bigger picture. Once the reward is gone, children still don’t understand the motivation behind teeth-brushing, laundry, or getting the mail.
Some understand that rewards motivate us to do better and to perform tasks.
However, researchers found that children do well when no rewards are presented, and that reward-based parenting tactics do more harm than good.
It is more helpful to teach children to understand the commitment involved in daily tasks without rewarding them for a temporary gain.
Still, some research does provide a framework for understanding the actual harm in reward systems –sticker charts, toys, trips, prizes, praise, etc. Reward systems don’t change the behavior; they only entice children slightly because they want the reward.
Are Punishments Necessary for Children?
Punishment proved to be counterproductive regardless of whether the parents were using it to stop aggression, excessive dependence, bedwetting, or something else. Punishment was ineffectual over the long term as a technique for eliminating the kind of behavior toward which it directed.
(Kohn, 2006)
When parents focus heavily on punishment, they miss the opportunity to connect, reflect, and direct. Children don’t understand why they are being punished; it is an unnecessary behavioral modification.
Many parents are moving away from punishing children because of new parenting tools, a stronger understanding of human emotions, and improved communication methods. Punishing does not change children’s behaviors or help them feel understood or loved.
Children are often more rebellious and more distant when they are punished. Parents are typically more focused on punishing and less focused on reciprocity, communication, and clear expectations. Punishing children damages relationships with young children.
Here are more negative effects of punishing children.
- It teaches children to fear parents.
- It shows children to use power and manipulation.
- Children have low self-worth.
- Parents who punish may have poor relationships with their children.
- Punishing teaches children to overreact to mild conflict.
Using threats to convince children to behave a particular way does not teach them to trust adult authority; kids will not look up to parents for guidance, support or see them as a home base. When adults use manipulation, bribes, or humiliation as a form of parenting, they are not showing children love, support, or guidance.
Punishments are typically different forms of love withdrawal, teaching children the world is an unsafe, unforgiving, unloving place. Despite parents constantly saying, “I love you,” punishing children for acting childlike is confusing for children. They hear the words but do not experience feelings of affection or understanding.
Children suffer because parents want to teach them an arbitrary lesson, and kids still won’t understand the reasoning behind the punishment.
Examples of Unconditional Love in Parenting
Listen, kids are draining, messy, and loud. When parents have had their fill, it is normal to feel annoyed and less than enthusiastic that they want one more book or another horsey ride.
Unconditional parenting is a mindset for parents to adopt when other methods don’t serve a purpose. Parents learn to value their limits while showing their kids love, especially when they smear play-doh on the wall.
Regardless of what children do, say, expect, or behave, parents can decide to be a strong source of affection while accepting behaviors and temperaments.
Here are some examples of unconditional parenting.
- I am always thrilled to hear your new art ideas, but I don’t have anymore energy to clean up the paint tonight. You said you weren’t willing to clean up the paintings; I am tired of cleaning now.
- Cars go really fast on this street. You may not go by yourself because I care about your safety. You are not prepared for the busy street today; let’s go to the quieter neighborhood culdesac.
- I’d prefer going into the store on my own if you won’t walk; I am not carrying you today. If you aren’t in the mood to walk, maybe you can sit here with grandma and listen to an audiobook.
- That toy is way too distracting for me while I am driving. It was very scary to see it leap into my mirror. It is great that you brought something you like on our trip. You have to keep it still while I drive so it doesn’t distract me.
- You may not have six scoops of ice cream. I appreciate your enthusiasm and love that you want to choose your dinner, but your options are cheesy rice or lentil soup.
- You are determined to get that child’s attention, aren’t you? It doesn’t look like he is paying any attention to you. You let me know when you want my help, okay?
- Wow! That is a lot of toothpaste! Is that supposed to be on the mirror or the brush? I know you like helping me spray. Can we clean that up tomorrow? You can see your face better when the toothpaste isn’t in the way.
- You may not pinch my butt! It is great that you want to connect with me, but this doesn’t work for me. It hurts. It is not fun. How else can we play together? Should we try playing dinosaurs or trucks?
Unconditional Parenting Criticism
There are reasons why unconditional parenting is viewed as downright impossible and receives a lot of criticism from parents and some educators.
Parents have a hard time understanding how unconditional parenting looks during day-to-day interactions. People are hard-wired to say things like “good girl” and “that makes me so happy” because of natural responses to positive behaviors.
It is hard to re-wire the brain when parents are used to reactive responses to positive behaviors and negative reactions to poor behaviors. Many parents still use praise/reward systems and see no issue in it. For some, time-out is a useful tool to improve moods and promote positive behaviors. Many parents have a hard time using more loving approaches because punishing children is easier.
There are some misconceptions about unconditional parenting that prevent parents from practicing more loving methods. Some people confuse unconditional parenting with passive parenting; they think unconditional parenting means that children get away with everything they want. For that reason, parents may believe that children have no responsibilities.
Here are typical reasons people criticize unconditional parenting principles.
- Some parents use time out as a form of punishment.
- Kids are seen to be manipulative; they get away with everything.
- Parents believe in using control to parent children.
- It is hard not to feel excited about good behaviors.
- Parents find it challenging not to punish for poor behaviors.
- Unconditional parenting is passive parenting.
- Parents use praise/rewards systems often and see no problem.
- Praise/rewards systems build character.
- Parents think it is too soft a parenting approach.
- Parents no longer get to influence children.
- It actually hurts children’s self-esteem.
- It promotes immature behaviors.
- Kids are not prepared for adulthood.
- Children become lazy.
What is Passive Parenting?
Permissive parents typically try to be more of a friend than a role model or caregiver. Adults usually fear conflict, but permissive parents avoid family conflict altogether. Passive parents want relationships to remain fluid and free from confrontation, and they allow their children to do whatever they want.
This parenting style allows children to have a lot of freedom; parents are incredibly flexible and often lack boundaries. Passive parenting causes children to continue with their life without any guidance, support, or rules. They explore freely but do not have any encouragement or home base as they navigate their daily problems.
Moreover, passive parenting is noticeably different from unconditional parenting because parents are likely uninvolved in children’s lives. Instead of working with children, parents tend to be more distant and use more bribes as they attempt to connect.
Passive Parenting Characteristics
- Parents are usually very flexible.
- There are virtually no “nos.”
- Children have no boundaries.
- Parents allow children to make all the rules.
- Excuses are made to get out of parenting.
- There are no rules at all.
- Parents use bribery to get kids to comply.
- Children have no schedule.
- There are no consequences to actions.
Why Unconditional Parenting Differs From Praise
Unconditional parenting is different from praise, which scares parents. People are used to reward-based systems; they are very common. There are sticker, magnet, and stamping charts. People manipulate children to behave and take things away when they don’t approve of their reactions, behaviors, or academic progress.
Unconditional parenting is love, support, encouragement, and compassion for children, no matter their poor behaviors. This parenting approach does not limit parents to using rewards and punishments as communication. Instead, unconditional parents love children regardless of their negative behaviors and guide them into accepting their reality, so they are more likely to understand and change behaviors.
Praise teaches children to identify the source of praise and work toward attaining the gift, approval, love, or encouragement and less on figuring out how to problem-solve and manage stressors. Children crave the reward; they don’t learn to adapt to people.
Unfortunately, there is a wealth of praise and not enough unconditional love. Parents want to “love it” without considering how these random phrases harm children in the long run.
Praise is considered controlling and manipulative, according to Carol Dweck, Ph.D.
It was found to negatively impact children because they feel pressured, causing anxiety and panic. Children eventually learn that they can not challenge themselves for fear of disapproval.
Researchers found it more beneficial to praise efforts and not children, shifting praise from “I love it!” to “You worked hard on that.” Praising effort improves children’s confidence, as they value the time it took to problem-solve.
Parents can not accept unconditional parenting because praise is a hard habit to stop. What else can you respond with when your child asks, “Do you love my painting?”
I wrote an entire article on how to talk to kids about their artwork!
Praise Alternatives
Saying things like “You are a good boy” makes children believe that they no longer earn parental approval when they aren’t well-behaved. The same is true for their effort, whether during sports practice or art class. Instead of complementing them, talk about the action and things you noticed during their play.
There are certain things parents will notice when they over-use common parenting phrases. Children may have huge emotions, make strange facial expressions, or delay communication altogether.
Listen, I know it is hard. Parents aren’t always emotionally present with their kids; it is okay! Just keep using different phrases to encourage communication to improve your relationships. Sometimes, it is easier to say “Yes, honey, that looks great.” without blinking an eye than it is to coach and reflect with children.
You probably use some of these common phrases frequently; don’t fret. Now you know there are more practical alternatives. Don’t beat yourself up if you say them often. Remember, the goal is to love and grow your relationship with your kids.
I am the first to admit that I say, “You are the best son ever!” I should probably just say, “You did your laundry, dear. Now you have clean socks!”
Here are some common parenting phrases with alternatives that focus more on the effort used to achieve an outcome.
| Common parenting praise phrases | Alternatives to praise– descriptive praise. |
|---|---|
| I love it. | That is interesting. I see some blue there. |
| That looks great, honey. | You worked very hard, I can tell. |
| You’re so intelligent. | You should be proud of your finished project. |
| It’s beautiful! | Tell me about that brown blob. |
| You are a genius. | Your effort is really important. |
| What a doll. | It is helpful when you bring your dishes to me. |
| Well done! | You didn’t win, but I can tell you did your best. Look at your sweat! |
| Great painting. | What a bright yellow you chose. |
| You are an angel. | How generous of you to include your friend. |
| What a clever girl you are. | You collected all the blocks for your project. |
| That is a good drawing. | I can tell you focused hard on that. |
| The smartest boy in the world! | That is an excellent solution to that problem. |
| You finally did it! | I saw you tried four different times before completing that! |
Is Praise Really Harmful to Children?
According to Alfie Kohn, praise and spontaneous reactions are only harmful when the intent is to manipulate. When parents consciously use praise to convince children to obey commands, then it is undermining and offensive.
Many parents are naturally inclined to react to children’s good behaviors; this is totally normal. As mentioned, this is one of the reasons people have a hard time accepting unconditional parenting as an option. I’d like to clear this up if it is what is stopping you from moving forward with unconditional love.
Spontaneous praise will not damage your tiny human!
There is a huge difference between, “Wow, you did great! You tried five different times to read that word.” and “Wow, you are great! Now, keep being a good boy and go pick up those toys.”
Please don’t misinterpret the value of unconditional parenting because you love saying, “I love it!” There are times parents will be too tired to think creatively about communication. While there are studies showing the negative effects of praise, random bouts of spontaneous or exclamatory responses are not going to harm children if you aren’t intentionally manipulating them to do something.
Parents are moving forward slowly, learning new and improved ways to identify failures, communicate needs, and pivot parenting styles as needed.
Parenting is a lovely adventure. It is also a commitment. Parents must commit to failures and learn to shift when there is an identifiable problem with a relationship.
Please don’t stress out when you excitedly respond with, “Wow, you did great.” when your child completes a puzzle or reads their first book. Just remember that there are alternative ways to communicate proving more beneficial to child development. The message the child receives from you is what is important.
Conclusion
You made it. I can tell you are a committed parent. Unconditional parenting believes that children should be loved and accepted as they are, while parents coach, direct, and encourage children to problem-solve. Instead of using manipulation to promote behaviors, unconditional parents show children they care for them regardless of their poor choices.
Kids will do things to annoy you, but they are not out to get you; they deserve love when they fail and succeed. Remember that when you only approve of children’s behaviors when they achieve, they will have a hard time feeling worthy when they are less than perfect.
Sources
- 1998-04530-003-1sagefw.pdf (cpb-us-w2.wpmucdn.com)
- Author Bio: Alfie Kohn (heinemann.com)
- A meta-analytic review of experiments examining the effects of extrinsic rewards on intrinsic motivation – PubMed (nih.gov)
- Carol Dweck | Stanford Graduate School of Education
- Home – Alfie Kohn
- How To Talk to Kids About Their Artwork – Mission Momplex
- Kohn, A. (2006). Unconditional parenting: Moving from rewards and punishments to love and reason. Atria Books.
- National Parent Survey Overview and Key Insights • ZERO TO THREE
- Proponents and opponents for rewarding children (uni.edu)
- Parenting: Unconditional Love Is Bad! | Psychology Today
- Passive Parenting Style | LoveToKnow
- Parenting styles– importance, child, parent – Mission Momplex
- Rewards | Consequences | Essentials | Parenting Information | CDC
- Secrets to Unconditional Parenting (teach-through-love.com)
- Temperaments– Children, What they are, Importance – Mission Momplex
- The Dangers of Using a Sticker Chart to Teach Kids Good Behavior – The Atlantic
- The effects of praise: 7 evidence-based tips for using praise wisely (parentingscience.com)
- The Origins of Children’s Growth and Fixed Mindsets: New Research and a New Proposal – Haimovitz – 2017 – Child Development – Wiley Online Library
- Unconditional parenting – please enlighten me. | Mumsnet
- What Is Permissive Parenting? (verywellmind.com)
- Why You Shouldn’t Punish Your Children and What You Can Do Instead / Bright Side