8 Tips For Parents Responding to Child’s Emotional Meltdown

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We have experienced it before; the child who rudely demands more yogurt or screams to get picked up. Children have strong and intense feelings that influence the way parents react to their tiny human’s ever-changing needs and desires. Some children have massive meltdowns when they don’t get what they want and experience anger and anxiety because they don’t understand communication skills yet.

8 Tips For Parents Responding to Emotional Meltdowns

Breathe
Acknowledge YOUR Feelings
Say “I” and “Thanks”
Perspective-taking
Respond; Don’t Over-react
Give Them Space
Assess Their Capacity to Listen
Check-in Later

There are practical ways to respond to children to keep you calm and significantly improve your relationship. Children will be less aggressive and have fewer outbursts when they see that you practice emotion regulation. When you learn how to manage your strong reactions, they will pick up on it, lessening the length of their tantrums, emotions, and behaviors.

They may try to hit you –all the more reason to practice restraint.

Explosive kids aren’t trying to be annoying; the way the brain is wired during daily stress causes certain behaviors.

This post will discuss some tips that will help you understand the way brains evolved so you learn to manage your strong emotions before turning to anger. I’ll let you in on practical tips that have helped me through some highly stressful situations. I’ll define emotion regulation and walk you through the steps to help you model control and stay calm.

If any of these seem overwhelming, visit a step that you understand and re-read. Use these tips in any order and at any time. Adapt to the situation for best meltdown results.

This post may contain affiliate links.

Emotion Regulation

When people become aware of their emotional state, they are likely to have more control over their behaviors during an undesirable situation. Emotion regulation happens when kids understand and exhibit personal restraint over their emotions, thus being in charge of their reactions.

During emotion regulation, kids and parents can:

become aware of their emotional state.
be in control.
consider the event that caused distress.
reduce anxiety.
curb anger.
understand cause-and-effect.
pursue alternative solutions.
find a state of peace.

Sometimes parents and children lose control and explode on each other. This could be at home, after school, at the park, or at school. Emotional dysregulation happens when the prefrontal cortex shuts down and the limbic system takes control. The prefrontal cortex is in charge of operations –planning, decisions, and controlling– while the limbic system assesses threats. Check out this article for more details about emotion regulation!

1. Breathe

OK, I know it’s a no-brainer, but it is one that people tend to forget. Mindfulness, breathing, and meditation get a lot of attention, and for a good reason. But, people forget the importance because of the media. Please consider it again.

Breathing is essential for homeostasis; the brain, lungs, and abdomen work together to keep you aware of your body’s natural responses. Tension is released, the brain turns to the breath, and the nervous system and immune system get a rest.

Take a deep breath in through the nose until your tummy expands. Hold for a moment, then open your mouth and make an exaggerated “ahhhh” sound.
When your child continues to demand attention, simply say, “I am breathing. I will respond when I understand you better.”

Pro tip: If you are in public, ignore other people’s stares. Try not to focus on others’ interpretation of your stress. It is not the problem and it’s distracting. If you feel judged by public patrons in stores or restaurant, continue breathing.

What Does Breathwork do?

Breathwork guides one’s awareness to the breath, so they are in control of the “physical, mental, or emotional state.” Breathing strengthens brain-body connections, resulting in healthy reactions to stress, identifying triggers, and removing tension.

Some benefits of breathwork:

lower stress levels
managing emotions
tension release
improved immune system
increased empathy

How to do Breathwork

According to this instructor, there are three beginner breathwork techniques.

Overwhelmed: 4-7-8 breath brings people back down to earth. When overwhelming feelings hit, this breathing technique will regulate heart rate, so you feel calmer and less sensitive to unnecessary stimuli.

Start with empty lungs and breathe in through the nose for 4 seconds, holding the breath for 7 seconds afterward. Then exhale out the mouth for 8 seconds and repeat.

Energy boost: The 4-4-4-4 breath will improve your concentration, help you focus, and release stress. Use this breathwork any time of the day to give yourself a slight boost and some self-care.

First, empty the lungs and hold your empty breath for 4 seconds.

Second, breathe in through the nose for 4 seconds, then hold for 4 seconds.

Lastly, exhale from the nose to empty the lungs for 4 seconds and repeat.

Worked up: The 5-5 breath is a focused pattern that changes how we typically breathe. It helps people feel calm and can be done anytime you want to readjust reactions.

For an entire minute, breathe in the nose for 4 seconds and breathe out the mouth for 4 seconds.

For another minute, breathe in the nose for 5 seconds and breathe out the mouth for 5 seconds.

Repeat for 6,7,8,9 and 10 seconds for the total effect.

So Much Commotion Over Emotions (justmind.org)
Feelings Chart

2. Acknowledge YOUR Feelings

Identify the emotion before jumping to quick conclusions or reacting too harshly. Stay with the emotion and feel its intensity. Channel the emotion(s) –without repressing them– by consciously choosing to face your conflict.

Feelings are highly impactful. Sometimes, they dictate behaviors and totally derail our plans. Like, what the heck, man? They are just trying to keep you safe, though. It is essential to acknowledge feelings and gradually guide them to a nearby bookshelf. The bookshelf is in your brain, btw.

Try to feel and label the feelings to get through the moment or situation that has you feeling weird. When kids feel funky, that is their feeling. When a parent has a feeling in response to an action, behavior, or demand, that is the parent’s feeling.

The different emotions are unique and not directly related to the other person; they are physical or emotional responses to external influences we have learned through time.

There are hundreds of ways to say how you are feeling. Most psychologists have charts that help patients identify their strong feeling. I like using the atlas of emotions. It is an interactive website that allows users to understand the basic emotions and the varying responses to everyday stressors. It is pretty rad.

Atlas of Emotions

The basic emotions are:

anger
fear
sadness
disgust
enjoyment

Please recognize that your feelings are totally valid; they are part of what makes you a human. Understanding that emotions don’t have to dictate reactions, but can actually encourage healthy ones, helps parents guide little children who can’t fathom this concept.

Sometimes I say to myself or my kids, “We are just like animals.” or “It is just a feeling.” or “It is trying to keep me safe.” or “It is for safety.”

Feel, Understand, Channel, Keep (F-U-C-K)

This idea will help parents accept the feeling or emotion without trying to fix the issue or escape from the feeling. When the brain focuses on emotional discomfort, it becomes easier to identify and gives people the strength to cope.

Sometimes, it is helpful to accept feeling an intense way before continuing with a chore or errand. Kids are a lot of work! When they feel safe, they want to express their deepest desires. Sometimes, I say F-U-C-K and feel flattered my kiddos feel safe enough to be authentic.

However, the reality is that parents can not give their children everything they want; that can bring up a lot of feelings in adults as lists pile and groceries defrost.

Remembering this section will be a gamechanger. It is easy to remember and makes a lot of sense. The goal is for kids to feel safe with their humans, right. When they express immense feelings and requests, they get used to F-U-C-K without realizing it!

Many people have a hard time understanding what to do –harnessing emotions is a lot like wrangling a slippery child. It’s pretty simple, really.

You firmly lift them and give them a bunch of kisses, right?

Feel:

First, you must validate the emotions to help keep you present and more accepting. Feel the way you feel to hold the feeling in the brain for a moment. Try not to distract yourself from the way you genuinely feel. Sometimes, it is hard to identify the emotion during intense feelings. Other times judgments get in the way. You may have seen a billboard or a sign encouraging women to stay strong and independent. If you aren’t feeling that way, then F-U-C-K it. Assess your situation, and you will be strong when you are ready!

Understand:

Next, try to identify the feeling, rate its intensity, and share it with someone else. Before blowing up, slamming, or yelling, please try another option. If a child is really intense about wanting a particular toy or staying at the park for another 8 million hours, you might not feel that intense. Try staying emotionally present to acknowledge the feeling. This will decrease the intensity so that you can respond appropriately to a needy child.

Channel:

Please don’t ignore the feelings or the challenging reality; use the energy you would use to numb it to channel it. Channeling emotions helps people stay in charge, stay connected with the body, and manage typical stressors. Once you have felt and understood the feeling, it is time to channel the animal. Catch or intercept the feeling to transform it into motivation. Say, “I will join you in the savanna, fear!”

Keep:

Lastly, remember to gently place it on a shelf in the mind. Parents may ignore feelings or over-react because of overwhelming emotions. Keeping the feeling close will help in the future when you try to understand the emotion again. Sure, they don’t feel pleasant sometimes, but that doesn’t mean it’s worth dismissing. Keep it close, say thank you, and remember it’s just for safety.

In her Ted Talk, neuropsychologist Dr. Julia DiGangi says that a brain area called the default mode network (DMN) is active when people ignore external stimuli and distractions. In other words, they “stay” with their suffering. The DMN is less active during “attention-demanding tasks.” This could explain why we explode on our children when they are super demanding!

The default network –which includes the prefrontal cortex– is likely activated during understand phase because the brain focuses on identifying the emotional pain and suffering. When you activate this part of the brain during the channel phase, you are “cultivating a resilience to suffering.”

One more thing, this acronym was oddly created without thinking of cursing. While I don’t condone cursing at children, I know that it helps during intense moments. If it helps, use it!

3. Say “I” and “Thanks” to Your Child

After accepting the emotions and releasing them back into the wild, it’s time to focus. Saying “I” and “thanks” more often will improve relationships because accountability, gratitude, and honesty help people succeed at their goals.

Starting statements with “you make me so …” or “didn’t you hear…” doesn’t help, especially if it isn’t said with compassion. Children get more defensive and exhibit those characteristics because it is communicated to them.

Use “I” while a child has a major meltdown to stay focused, calm, and in charge. Try statements that continue to communicate confusion, a major point, or scheduling issues. Many people say “we,” and there is no significant harm in saying it. Using “I” helps children stay focused on their reality and remain honest.

Children get confused easily, making communicating harder because the intentions get tangled. Kids are not trying to make parents late or angry; they just want to explore an idea. So instead of saying, “We have to go to grandma’s next, say, “I have to pack the groceries in the car for grandma.”

Staying conscious of reality will help you focus as you navigate throughout life. Children will learn that they are important after you have the time to finish the responsibilities that interrupt their ideas. The alternative is projecting feelings onto children, which is not healthy. Saying “You are making us late.” or “You are making me angry. Don’t ask again.” doesn’t help and will not speed up the daily grind.

Advantages of saying “I”

It is clearer.
Honesty is important.
It shows strength and control.
Coping skills will improve.
It is powerful!
Your child won’t feel like a burden.

Similarly, “thanks” helps children value how they feel as they express themselves. “Thank you for telling me how you really feel. I didn’t know you didn’t want to leave the house today.” for example. Any statement that expresses authentic gratefulness toward children will help them accept the way they feel when they fail to succeed at a goal.

Showing them that you can practice restraint while thanking them for their communication will significantly improve communication. It shows them they may not get what they want right now, but they can continue trying to communicate needs, improving their resilience.

Advantages of Saying “Thanks”

It models gratitude.
Parents are likely happy when it is authentic.
Children feel respected.
Parents understand the children’s ideas.
It doesn’t end the conversation.

Saying them together makes more sense to children than many other statements parents tend to reinforce. “You can’t always get what you want.” for example. Let’s say your child has demanded to go to the baseball park. You continually repeat that the plans are like this, “post office, grocery store, bank.”

Use “I” and “Thanks” to show you are holding yourself accountable for your chores and that you understand their idea. Thank them for continuing the conversation by saying you want to talk about it more when you have more time.

4. Perspective-taking

Communicating is more manageable when people truly understand one another. Parenting well is like a jazzy dance; sometimes, it requires some spins, and other times, you flip upside down to get the routine correct. Taking in what your child is putting down will help them adapt to you as your lives naturally adjust.

Children are practicing feeling, understanding, and channeling their emotions. They need a boost in the right direction; you can do this by remaining compassionate and objective.

How to Practice Perspective-taking

Notice the child’s facial expressions.
Reflect on your past experiences to feel for the child.
Repeat what you see happening to the child’s body.
Gently ask questions to understand what is happening.

Taking their perspective will help you understand their viewpoint, even if you can not give them what they want. You will imagine yourself as a child with those interests and guide the situation accordingly. Parents appreciate children’s unique viewpoints and want to help identify goals.

Parents learn a lot about their child’s developmental stage because they understand they are not trying to be a bother. They are objectively selfish and want what they want. The beautiful thing about this is the parents’ ability to empathize with the child while saying “no” to potential requests, strengthening the relationship.

You will hold a space for your children to express themselves when they are emotional. Without controlling them or their behaviors, perspective-taking allows children to feel their feelings and witness the acceptance, moving them into a place of resilience.

An Example of Perspective-Taking

Let’s say you are planning a trip to the zoo. You prep your children for the occasion by reading books, doing puzzles, and packing snacks. Before leaving for the zoo, you transition them into the car by asking them to “roar” to the car, pumping them for the fun day! Your son joyfully trots to the car, but his younger sister won’t budge; she is stuck to the couch, hands crossed with an angry face.

Notice the angry face and the crossed arms.

Try to remember a time you have felt angry or misunderstood.
Say, “I see that you are on the couch still. I am ready to drive to the zoo.”
Your arms are crossed; your face is wiggly. I see your brows are very low.
Ask, “Is there something I don’t understand? Do you still want to go? You were excited earlier.”

Sometimes, children don’t understand how the day is going to progress.

In this example, I imagined a child confused about the snacks. Perhaps, you discussed having ice cream at the zoo, and they interpret packing snacks as a withdrawal of the ice cream they were excited to try. It may not occur to them that they get both –snacks and ice cream. Children may not understand many concepts at one time, confusing them as they see parents plan for multiple events.

Not until the parent realizes this will they be able to clarify. Because decisions happen quickly, kids don’t always get a say or hear all the choices. Understanding a child better will help the parent reassure them when they are unsure about something.

Benefits of perspective-taking:

It builds empathy
Social skills are improved.
Parents learn to respond with kindness
It helps parents understand children better
Children feel their ideas have value
It promotes problem-solving
Perspective-taking strengthens the brain

5. Respond; Don’t Over-react

The last thing that will help you manage your child’s behaviors is majorly overreacting. It is too strong a response, and kids don’t understand why parents blow up.

Over-reacting is when emotions take hold of the wheel and become the driving force behind communication. Over-reacting is impulsive and promotes worry and fear. It is an example of how fear in the primal area of the brain takes over normal responses to stress.

Over-reacting may contribute to unsafe feelings because children and adults feel threatened by one another. It is normal to feel threatened, but acting out without assessing the situation teaches children to falsely identify danger and act out impulsively.

Examples of Over-Reacting

Actions	Words
Door slamming after a miscommunication.	I just can’t do it today!
Storming around the house.	Can’t you just listen?
Aggressively throwing toys in a pile.	Why don’t you understand me?
Slamming on the brakes.	Do you see this child?
Throwing dishes in the sink.	Why does this happen all the time!

Examples of Over-reacting

I call this reaction to children’s behavior “air parenting.” I often see parents attempting to resolve a conflict, but they talk upward like connecting with the Gods. When parents communicate aggressively with the air, they miss out on connecting with their children and identifying actual needs.

Sure, some behaviors are undesirable. Kids are annoying, but parents are role models. Behaviors are a form of communication for children, a way for them to uncover a genuine desire. If this is hard for you to accept, imagine what they learn when they see you over-reacting the same way.

Objectively Responding With Facts

I am too tired.
Your sandwich is still on the table.
You are spitting at me!
The blocks are everywhere.

Use this step with the “I” and “Thanks” step to improve communication!

After responding with facts, use different “I” statements so they understand what is coming next. Kids and parents might not always get what they want, but predicting small patterns helps when you get fatigued by emotional responses. Trying saying, “I don’t want to pick up the blocks today.” or “Well, thanks for telling me you don’t like the sandwich. I won’t make it for lunch tomorrow.”

6. Give Them Space

Children need room to breathe when they are upset. It allows the parent to cool off or identify their feelings. Many people are naturally overbearing, which can be very hard for children who are learning to manage their emotions or ask for help with an issue.

Signs Kids Need Space During Meltdown

door-slamming
stomping away
pulling away from the parent
crying, screaming, hitting
lying on the floor
exaggerated sighs

In public spaces, it is harder to accommodate, but not impossible. Tell your child that you need to stay close, preferably within eyesight, but that you will give them as much space as you can. Slowly distance yourself, giving your child room to breathe. If your child is running away from you, try not to chase them. Pause and make eye contact with them as they peer behind them. Slowly begin walking as you lose sight of them, giving them space.

At home, let them storm off, go to their room, go outside, or do whatever they need to do to give themselves space from the situation or argument. Don’t press the issue or topic. Try to identify your feelings before attempting to help them.

I’ll never forget my 6-year-old walking to his friend’s house (about seven doors away) when he was mad at me. My neighbor texted me to let me know he was there, asking if I was alright with it. “Yup, I said. It was his choice!”

What if My Child Wants Me to Go and Stay?

Often, kids are disoriented when they get overwhelmed with their strong feelings. They don’t understand what they feel, and they haven’t learned to identify their needs. They may push, shove, and hit, indicating they want space. Then when a parent exits, they pull on pants or shoes, desperately asking the parent to stay.

I call this the “Go away, please stay!” game. It is hard, but it can be easy for toddlers to figure out when you allow them the space to examine the situation.

Go Away; Please Stay Tips:

Verbally label the “Go Away; Please Stay” game.
Let them be in control of the distance.
Allow them to dictate where you sit, stand, or move.
Try being playful by hiding behind a door to go away.
Announce your arrival when you stay.
Express genuine confusion.
Try being silly and looking confused.

What is Time-in?

Many parents still use time-out, but new evidence and products examine the efficacy as we transition out of the age-old concept.

Time-in is a modern time-out, emphasizing self-soothing as children learn to navigate their emotions. Children are given a safe space to explore their strong feelings during a time-in, so they learn to adapt and remain flexible. They will reflect on the situation and cool off before attempting a resolution.

Safe space: Kids are given a safe alternative to a situation that may be dangerous or inappropriate for intense emotions. Time-ins are small areas with tools for emotional growth.

Attention: Children may want adult attention to understand miscommunication or behaviors during a time-in. Unlike a time-out, parents may stay with the child if requested to redirect the behavior or enforce another skill. Parents may reflect with the child to encourage social-emotional learning.

Appropriate stimulation: Sometimes, children need space because they are too stimulated by other people, causing them to behave to communicate. Overstimulation is a good reason for a child to go to another area, more appropriate for their age and skills.

Social-emotional tools: Companies like Generation Mindful have created time-in products, making it easier for children to peel away from uncomfortable situations to learn more about emotional development. Check out the Time-in Toolkit to transform an area in a loving, supportive way.

Time-in is not:

isolating children.
discipline.
forcing children to examine a situation.
yelling at a child.
pressuring a child to feel.
changing the behavior.
discouraging the child.

According to this study published in Academic Pediatrics, “85% of parents of children 15 months through ten years use time-out incorrectly.” The problem parents and children have with time-out is parents talking too much and children not talking enough.

7. Assess their Capacity to Listen

Children act crazy because they want to communicate a message. They could be unhappy, over-stimulated, hungry, bored, etc. Parents tend to over-communicate, resulting in more poor behaviors. Doing so does not benefit the child. It complicates things for the child because they no longer focus on identifying their problem but on their parents.

Parents’ over-explaining causes a child to stay distracted, furthering them from a practical solution.

Children have short attention spans and can only handle so much talking. Kids under five can not listen for more than 10 minutes, making it pretty hard for the parents who like to lecture. Check out the chart labeled “Attention Span By Age” as a guide.

They will tune you out, stay confused, stay emotional, or just fall asleep. Kids can pay attention for brief bursts of time, but their feelings are likely to prioritize their tiny brains if they are emotional.

Try not to lecture, yell, or make a point with a young child. Work on your emotions and remove them from a complicated situation until they are ready to reflect.

8. Check-in Later

Last but not least: Check-in with children later.

Revisit the topic later so they understand that you care and genuinely want to help. Ignoring doesn’t do any good, and over-reacting doesn’t help, but waiting until everyone has cooled off will help you manage trips, chores, and playdates.

If you try these tips and find that this one gets ignored, it’s okay. You can always bring up a hard time many months after it has happened. Just because a child says, “I don’t want to talk about it!” doesn’t mean they never want help ever again.

Put it in the vault, and the next time you want to connect, try asking about the time they slammed the refrigerator door shut after denying another piece of cheese. Try not to pry, but don’t forget that it is okay to check with children after they have calmed down.

This will help them stay conscious, feel loved, and supported as they drift in and out of the various developmental stages. Children will trust that you will pick them up when they fall and boost their confidence when caregivers aren’t present.