Should You Let Your Kids Cuss– When, Why

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People cuss; there is no hiding it. When parents consider the development of their children, they begin to worry. Omg, is my cussing harming them? If my kid cusses, what should the consequence be? Should I just ban swearing altogether?

Letting children swear is a personal parenting choice. Researchers have found that children go unharmed when they hear swear words. So long as curse words are not accompanied by manipulation or abuse, swear words will not negatively affect your child.

This post will consider different reasons you should and should not let your child cuss and some ways to help with emotional expression. There are advantages and disadvantages to allowing your child verbally express themselves. We’ll discuss the differences between verbal abuse, casual swearing, and slurs.

This post contains mildly offensive language.

Should Parents Cuss Around Kids?

Most parents and psychologists believe that infrequent cursing is just fine for children to hear. If it is appropriate for the setting and does not abuse or harm the child in any way, cursing will not damage your child’s development.

The decision to cuss around your children is yours to make. If you consider either side of the argument, I urge you to understand some things before judging other people or using excessive swear words because you think it is funny.

When Do Parents Use Profanity?

Adults do cuss around kids, and there are some important distinctions to make between casual cursing and verbal abuse. Parents may curse around children for the following reasons.

Casually: What the h*ll is that outside?

Mild frustration: This white sh*t is still all over the sink.

To make a point: You know it didn’t f*ing happen that way!

Excitement: H*ll yes!

Pain: D*mn, that hurts!

Reasons Parents Should Limit Excessive Swearing

It is common for parents to want to gain better daily habits. Out with the old, in with the new, right? Consider limiting curse words if you are trying to communicate better with yourself and your family.

Maybe you have noticed an unhealthy pattern in your home or community. Consider limiting swear words if you see your children using them poorly. Talk with them about the difference between casual cursing and excessive and inappropriate slurs.

The ways people handle stress is often accompanied by excessive cussing. Parents might curb their own profanity if they notice their kids use cussing as a problem-solving method.

Some social settings might impact the way we communicate. While it isn’t uncommon for adults to swear at funerals or kid’s sports events, there are different ways to express emotions. Consider whether it is the only option for your family and offer additional guidance and support.

If kids are cussing to gain attention, it might be time to limit your cursing habits, talk with them about healthy relationships, or revamp your own communication skills. Kids take in all types of signals, and if you cuss for attention, they likely will too.

You might want to consider limiting cursing if you feel angry around your child or intense rage. It is common for people to confuse cursing and verbal abuse. Parents should not verbally attack their children.

Effects of Swearing Around Children

Cognitive scientist Benjamin Bergen says that cursing around your children is fine for their development and will not harm them. Scientists want modern parents to understand the differences between abuse and infrequent cursing. Swearing in the same room your kids are in will not interfere with their development. Cursing at them –whether in anger or frustration with their behaviors– may harm them, especially if abusive behaviors accompany it.

Like with many parenting dilemmas, the situation matters. The setting might dictate the type of cursing, especially if there are different groups of people around your kids. Think of the difference between a two-year-old’s birthday party and a sports party. There will likely be different people, decorations, and dialogue during a toddler party than in a more adult party where beer, pizza, and sports are involved. Both situations might require a certain composure that is socially appropriate. Chances are, kids will learn different social patterns and ways to behave in various settings.

When Children Learn to Swear

Young children typically start swearing around two. Profanity grows and evolves to become more mature around 11. By the time they enter school, children know about 40 swear words. Children learn excessive profanity from their peers and older siblings more than they learn from home.

Children Cussing More During Quarantine

It should be no surprise that children mimic adults, sometimes more than preferred. Children may be cussing more due to the quarantine because families spend more time together. Adults learning to manage their own frustrations with the pandemic gained more colorful vocabulary, and kids caught on.

Children latched onto the idea that verbal expression is a usual way to cope, and they followed suit. Just as they would if you were following an intense sports event, kids learn to express their personal frustrations with the pandemic as they are given limited options.

Differences Between Abuse, Swears, and Slurs

“verbal abuse can be harmful, casual swearing around kids doesn’t have any impact on their well-being or emotional development.”
Is it OK to swear around kids? | Globalnews.ca

It is critical to understand the differences between verbal abuse, swear words, and slurs.

Verbal Abuse

Verbal abuse is when a person uses words to “attack, ridicule, dominate, or manipulate you.” Verbal abuse is expected in 11% of children and is very common in families in the US. Research shows that “50 to 80 percent of adults experience emotional abuse in their lifetime.”

Ronald Riggio, Ph.D., says that research surrounding cursing and abuse is relatively new and that researchers have learned that cursing “increases with strong emotions.” Harmful forms of cursing can be verbal abuse, which is damaging to a developing child. If it is said at a child, that is considered verbally dangerous.

The effects of verbal abuse are different than casual cussing. Verbal abuse leads to increased anxiety, depression, and learning and behavioral problems.

Swear Words

Swear words are generally seen as “blasphemous, obscene, vulgar, or otherwise offensive” but more modern parenting approaches have adopted new opinions related to children and cursing. Curse words are used in the media, at school, at home, and in public. There are many swear words, and people learn new and creative ways to adapt their meanings.

The meaning of a “cuss word” originated from the idea that people were intentionally trying to harm others by throwing an evil spell or a curse on them. This tale is still considered when we try to discipline our children. It is crucial to identify whether the curse was done to harm another, express mild discomfort, or verbalize personal excitement. If a curse is used to try to manipulate or harm another, that is verbal abuse. If a curse is used to insult another person, it is a slur.

Slurs

Slurs are usually insults that encompass a variety of different meanings. They are used to offend people of specific races, genders, sexualities, and varying health conditions. Offensive slurs harm people and are considered “harassment, hate speech, and abuse.”

These are often derogatory phrases used to purposely offend someone who relates to a specific social group. Slurs are often heard casually during social events and public get-togethers and are confused with casual cursing. Slurs are used to hurt someone on purpose, and the meaning is obscured when people informally use them. However, many people know the common slurs like “n*gger, cr*cker, k*ke, ch*nk, and sl*t” and that the goal is to attack another human with words.

Reasons You Should Let Your Kids Cuss

Cursing is okay and will not harm your child’s development when it is casual and out of mild frustration. Here are some reasons to let your children curse. If you hear them cussing for one of these reasons, it is probably okay to let it slide.

Honesty
Verbal expression
Physical pain
Autonomy
Boundaries
Creativeness
Storytelling
Mild frustration
Casually
To argue a point
Excitement
Friendly exchanges

Reasons You Should Discourage Swear Words

There are times when you should speak up about your children’s verbal behaviors. Here are some signs that cursing may be due to abusive verbal patterns. If you notice that your child is cursing for one of these reasons, it may be time to step in and give them alternatives.

Rudeness
Accompanied by anger
Lack of proper verbal manners
To get a reaction
To fit in
Offensiveness
Bullying
Verbal abuse
Peer manipulation
To threaten
Blatant disrespect
Attacking a social group

Advantages of Children Cursing

Allowing your child to express themselves freely is very healthy. Children learn the freedom of expression, which is really empowering. They get used to being in their independent bodies and learn to manage their own problems with their learned skills. For some, it is a very practical choice.

According to a study, the appropriate use of swear words engages both sides of the brain and decreases pain by acting as a pain reliever. Swearing lowers the effects of physical pain, so when children swear out of pain, it will reduce pain after they do something that hurts, like fall off their scooter or smack their butt when they slip. A highly duplicatable study shows that swearing decreases pain by increasing the pain threshold.

Cursing also improves vocabulary because people are likely to develop more language and is seen as a “sign of more intelligence, not less.” People who swear are even more truthful in this study.

When children learn about cursing and are taught the challenges society has learned about this subject, it introduces new concepts they may find interesting. It could be an opportunity to learn more about social themes and historical events.

Disadvantages of Children Cursing

Others might judge parents and children. From an outsider’s perspective, seeing a child curse might be a bit jarring. People might think they are rude, disrespectful, lazy or that you are a poor parent.

Kids will push their boundaries which some might determine is terrible. For some, it is a positive, but for those who expect to maintain a level of compliance, this could be especially difficult and seen as a negative.

Some believe that swearing is a sign of ignorance. When kids curse, they may experience out-of-control behaviors, and they may be seen as uneducated because they don’t have alternative ways to express themselves.

Cursing may heighten emotions and decrease a child’s sense of mindfulness if they are overwhelmed with emotion.

If they don’t understand alternatives to personal expression, it may become a habit. This can get risky if they are not introduced to new ways to develop their ideas and manage emotions.

Swearing can be harmful when kids assign negative meanings to routine daily tasks or chores. It isn’t great when they learn to associate anger with everyday life.

Encouraging Different Ways to Express Emotions

If you notice your child is using profanity and is very intense and angry, it may be time to intervene. Please help your child identify their emotions when considering a topic that prompts cussing behavior.

Here are a few steps you can take to help your child feel more grounded with their feelings.

Teach them about different emotions.
Actively listen to them
Model healthy expression
Learn about different activities for self-expression

1. Teach Them About Different Emotions

Help your child identify and name the feeling they are having so they can trace it back to a particular event or miscommunication. Talk with them about different ways they can express emotions.

The six basic emotions are:

Anger
Sadness
Fear
Disgust
Surprise
Joy

2. Actively Listen to Them During Confrontation

Give them space to talk and use that time to listen. If you gained patterns of ignoring your child, use this time to listen to the effects it has had on your child.

They may have an idea for emotional expression but haven’t had the right listening time to express themselves or their goals. You may not be able to give them what they want yet, but you can take the time to listen and let them know you care.

Dr. Laura Markham is a very active researcher who discusses active communication skills. Check out this article about emotional intelligence.

3. Model Healthy Emotional Expression

Parents must practice healthy expression if they want kids to take on that responsibility. If you want your child to learn productive expression, maybe it is time to take on an adult version to show them how you want to gain more skills.

Talk positively about yourself and the different ways you want to learn to express yourself. Consider creative outlets, outdoor activities, or journaling to learn more about yourself and your interests.

4. Activities for Self-Expression

Dance
Yoga
Art
Poems
Music
Clothing
Photography
Blogging

Sticker journals
Gardening
Cooking
Story-telling
Role-play
Crafts
Household repairs
Creative drama

Final Words

This very interesting and controversial topic has all sorts of opinions, science, and study methods behind it. There are healthy ways to express oneself verbally. Cussing will not damage your child, and it is considered safe for kids. However, if it leads to more damaging and attacking verbal patterns, consider alternative strategies for emotional expression.

Regardless of which side you are on, when your kid curses, expect some strange looks as people learn about you and your family. Let close friends and neighbors know that you understand the differences between verbal abuse and expression.