Parentless Parents: 7 Things You Should Know

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Successful parenting is already a challenging task without the added burden of not having any support. It is easy to be irresponsible and to lack healthy transitions when your own parents have passed away.

Some people become parents after they are already orphaned or lost an essential caregiver, others lose parents as they become parents or during their child’s lifetime, and some people simply have uninvolved parents. No matter the timing, parenting without parents is a sad reality that many adults must face.

Understanding what resources are available for parents will help guide you when you feel lost and lonely. Here are 7 things to remember:

There are significant health effects due to loss
Positive parenting is an option
The 6 best parenting books and authors
There are free online social resources
Utilize parenting courses for success
There is grief counseling
Partner communication is critical

This post discusses tons of things that can help parentless parents as they navigate through this world with no home base. We’ll talk about online courses, free social media platforms, and ways to communicate with the right people so that you can be the best parent without a parent. The goal is for this to be a massive resource for you, so you learn to trust and value the help of others. I genuinely hope it helps!

This post may contain affiliate links.

1. There are Significant Health Effects Due to Loss

So, you may be wondering about some of the real-life changes after losing a parent. Put very simply; you are experiencing grief –deep, deep sadness– due to the death of a loved one.

Grief overcomes people in many different ways. Problems that people face after losing a parent are psychological and physical. They often seem like a roller coaster because the highs and lows of moods make it impossible to identify what causes discomfort. The truth is that they are all related and make up the bigger picture, which in your case, might be your ability to handle your own kids.

The problems are psychological and also related to chronic health issues.

Problems connected to health and lifestyle may result in poor parenting. People may experience anger and aggressiveness due to impatience with their children. They are also likely to engage in harmful sexual activity, impacting their health and safety.

The physical effects of not having parents are a lack of resources and help with finances. Some more extreme mental changes happen that result in the inability to be a peaceful and joyous parent and sometimes cause absent parenting.

Chronic Health Problems

Due to stress and grief, Chronic health problems are typically related to the following bulleted list.

Low self-worth
Weight fluctuation
Anxiety
Substance abuse
Stress
Constant triggers
Hypertension
Post-traumatic-stress disorder
Digestive issues

Arthritis
Urinary problems
Sleep problems
Depression
Aggressiveness
Anger
Impatience
Unhealthy sexual activity
Chronic headaches

Psychological Effects of Losing a Parent

The psychological effects are stress, anxiety, depression, and substance abuse problems (SUD). Stress is widespread in individuals who have lost a parent. Adults experiencing stress feel overwhelmed, and undervalued, and find it challenging to feel joy in daily activities. People feel constantly pressured because stress hormones increase. Stress is also the cause of anger and irritability, depression, and substance abuse.

Children are much more likely to experience stress and anxiety as an adult, and it is suggested that 4% of children experience the death of a parent before turning 18. Children who lose parents are likely to suffer more than adults and experience extreme life changes after losing a parent.

It is much more common for adults to lose parents during adulthood rather than during childhood. Because life expectancy continues to rise, people tend to support immediate family members more during adulthood, making loss more dramatic as adults feel comforted by their older parents. Adult parents support their children emotionally and financially during their early adulthood years and continue to care for them throughout their life.

Think of fish in a fish tank to understand stress better. If you swirl or poke your finger around a fish tank, fish feel stress due to the pressure of your finger. That is how humans feel too, but instead of being in a fish tank, we are in our homes, at work, and in stores. Instead of people physically poking us, the everyday things that feel stressful are usually neighbors or family asking for help with something or trying to connect to feel loved.

Substance abuse problems (SUD) are pervasive in the United States, and many of the people who experience drug abuse or alcoholism also live with young children. It was recorded that 12% of underage children live with parents with a SUD.

“Based on combined 2009 to 2014 NSDUH data, an annual average of 8.7 million children aged 17 or younger live in households in the United States with at least one parent who had an SUD.”
Children Living with Parents Who Have a Substance Use Disorder (samhsa.gov)

Depression is a major psychological change that many people experience after the death of a parent. People feel low self-esteem and low self-worth because they feel extreme sadness. Depression is slightly different from grief because it is constant, interferes with daily life, and takes over one’s ability to accept help from others.

There are different levels of depression, and they control the actions people consider as they live their lives. The range of depressive symptoms can include physical tension, the inability to sleep well, and average daily sadness. It could also feel like extreme agitation, cause suicidal thoughts, or be more severe mood disorders like bipolar or seasonal affective disorder. Doctors say the more symptoms you have and the longevity of the symptoms increases the likelihood of being diagnosed with depression.

2. Positive Parenting is an Option

Okay, onto some light-hearted topics. What are some of the most common positive parenting methods and in-depth resources? Positive parenting is transforming the way people think about parenting. Some say they have always known what positive parenting is, while others have no clue. Whether you have parents that help you with your life or not, positive parenting will be in your court regardless.

Many people fight to parent positively or peacefully because it still makes them feel icky. If it feels terrible, it could be a sign that you need to learn and understand why it is the answer to your grief issues.

It might be what helps you feel better. You are worth the time!

Positive Parenting Methods

Some of the common positive parenting techniques involve trusting yourself and your children and getting to the bottom of the actual problem without distracting them into thinking about something else. Parents should value regularity and encourage regular habits and behaviors. Positive parenting is related to unconditional love, which is the idea that you love your child regardless of your perception of their behaviors. It would help to not prompt their behaviors with rewards or harsh punishments. Positive parents focus on enhancing their own lifestyles, which results in a more confident leader.

What Are Some Differences in Parenting Styles?

There are four traditional parenting styles founded by Diana Baumrind; Authoritative, authoritarian, permissive, and neglectful. Check out this post about different parenting styles to read more in-depth descriptions.

What is Positive Parenting?

Positive parenting is the ability to coach and lead a child instead of controlling them. It is often associated with unconditional love and teaching with compassion and actively listening.

I found two great articles about positive parenting and some of the sub-categories that fit into them.

What is Positive Parenting? A Look at the Research and Benefits (positivepsychology.com)

12 Types of Parenting Styles and Child Discipline Strategies (positive-parenting-ally.com)

This site says that positive psychology is the reason behind the positive parenting movement. The idea behind new and updated parenting strategies is that we can find joy in our strange behaviors and coping skills to enhance the way we understand the world, value our identity, and manage our feelings to parent better.

We can grieve and parent! It is the answer to stress! Huzzah!

Instead of focusing heavily on the negatives, parents should focus on positive behaviors, wellness, and gratefulness. Okay, I know it sounds too simple. Hear me out.

What Makes People so Unique?

What makes people so unique is our ability to study ourselves. After learning about our traits, behaviors, and opposable thumbs, we can feel grateful. People should value learning with compassion and empathy.

If you Google this question –What makes people so unique?– you are likely to find articles about human and animal migration, procreation, cooking tools, and opposable thumbs.

Another reason people are so incredible is that we learn to study ourselves! With that realization comes a lot of hyper-focusing! When scientists study depression, suicide, and grief, people read those articles, and their brain tricks them into thinking that is the only option.

Just because we study traits and behaviors does not mean that they define us. You can choose to turn your thoughts in a different direction just by understanding that you are not tethered or bound by what other people have studied.

You may feel sadness, but when your brain reads statistics on the number of people suffering from chronic depression, just remember that people study other people, and you don’t need to be a part of the statistic.

New and Improved Parenting Styles

Now that people understand that we can control how we understand the world, it is time to shift. Parents who want to feel carefree and at ease, especially grieving, are learning more options. We can choose to be kind, gentle, and loving.

This fantastic website had some great styles that you should learn about!

12 Types of Parenting Styles and Child Discipline Strategies (positive-parenting-ally.com)

Positive Parenting
Attachment Parenting
Unconditional Parenting
Holistic Parenting
Slow Parenting

3. The 6 Best Parenting Books and Authors

This section may contain affiliate links.

Dr. Laura Markham

Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting

Dr. Laura also wrote Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings: How to Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life

Alfie Kohn

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason

His website says he wrote fourteen more books just about parenting!

4. There are Free Online Social Resources

You can find active online communities to help your lifestyle and daily transitions. Whether you need parenting advice or grief support, the following lists will give you some ideas for your next online group.

Check them out individually and consider searching within the platform to find parenting or grief support groups. Sometimes, Instagram is suitable for a laugh, and Quora is good for asking questions.

Free Online Parenting and Grief Support groups

Parents Helping Parents

5. Utilize Parenting Courses for Success

This section may contain affiliate links.

Positive Parenting Solutions

Messy Motherhood

Stop Parenting Alone

Mother Flipping Awesome

Ahaparenting

L a Leche League

Hand in Hand Parenting

Parenting Code

The Science of Parenting (edX)

6. There is Grief Counseling

In-person grief counseling will help you when you are ready to talk about the loss you are experiencing. When you speak with professionals, you may be asked specific questions and prompted to elaborate on your feelings, the situations, and the outcomes of your actions.

The goal of grief counseling is usually to find strategies for you to follow when you feel overwhelmed with a loss, so you learn to manage your feelings and behaviors.

Find a grief counselor or support group by typing “grief support” or “grief counselor” + your location to see what community services are available in your area.

Psychology today is a great resource too. They usually have pictures of therapists, their specialty field, and credentials. If you find that insurance is a problem, call your state insurance provider to see which clinics have free counselors and therapists.

Check out local libraries and community centers for fliers or email lists for accessible networks to join. Some of the best groups I have found have been through local facilities because they always have huge corkboards with free information.

7. Partner Communication is Critical

It is essential to inform your partner that you are struggling due to the loss of a parent. If this is overlooked, it could lead to increased miscommunication. Identify what you are working with –daily transitions, sadness, self-harm, holidays– and tell your husband, wife, or partner that you struggle to cope.

Talking with the adults you live with is a sign of strength and resilience because you learn to ask for space from kids and social gatherings or have fewer responsibilities. It is critical to stay connected with your person because they usually want to help you and may feel unsure how to help. Sometimes, the best way to help others is by actively listening and taking over small routines. Ask your loved ones for help.

Conclusion

If you made it to the end, excellent work! This article was full of ideas and resources for you to consider if you are experiencing sadness and withdrawal due to the loss of a parent. Take it from someone who understands, and you are totally normal for feeling alone. Don’t blame yourself for not getting to this point quicker. You are here now!

Try freeing yourself from other people’s judgments and think about what makes you feel good and happy! Consider free online social groups or parenting courses for lots of content. Maybe go to the library and just find a short, simple book that calls to you. Try anything that you think will help you instead of harming you!