There’s nothing as gratifying as being a member of a well-functioning and happy family. Although many parents and kids feel close and connected, there are times when they rub each other the wrong way, which leads to arguments. So, is it normal for kids to argue with their parents?
It’s normal for kids to argue with their parents. When people live together, some conflicts arise regardless of the relationship. Kids and parents have varying thoughts, feelings, and opinions about life, and they can argue when they differ. However, arguing should not become “the norm.”
In the rest of this article, I’ll discuss this question further and explain what kids and parents argue about and why they argue. I’ll also discuss the positive and adverse effects of arguments, how to moderate arguments, and what to avoid while arguing with your kids. Here we go.
What Kids and Parents Argue About
As mentioned above, it’s normal for kids to argue with their parents so long as it doesn’t become the norm. According to a recent survey of kids aged between two and 18 years, on average, kids argue with their parents five times a week. Each argument lasts for approximately 14 minutes.
If you do the calculations, the total number of hours kids argue with their parents per week, month, or year is mind-boggling.
Kids and parents can argue about numerous things in a single day. Some children start arguing even before they hear what you have to say. Some of the things they mostly argue about include:
- Food: Many kids love junk food and dislike healthy eating. When you insist on healthy eating, this could lead to arguments as you try to force your kids to finish the nutritious food you’ve prepared for them.
- Beverages: Kids prefer sweet, cold drinks regardless of the weather. As a parent, you know that cold drinks can lead to illness, so you force your kids to drink warm beverages. Doing so could be a source of arguments in the home.
- Homework: Some kids dislike doing homework while others are too lazy to do it. When you ensure that your children do their homework, arguments arise.
- House chores: As a parent, you want house chores done at a specific time. On the other hand, your kid wants to do tasks at his own pace, or sometimes he outrightly refuses to do them, leading to arguments.
- Use of gadgets: Many children are obsessed with their phones, iPads, etc.; they can use the device for hours without flinching. When you point out that the kid is spending too much time on the gadget and you decide to withhold the device, arguments arise.
- Dressing: You’re sometimes unhappy with what your kids wear around the house or while going out. Your children may also not like what you wear while going out. When any of you raise their concerns about the dressing, arguments start.
- Bedtime: Some children like to watch the television or stay out past their bedtime. When you insist that the kid goes to bed at the stipulated time, arguments and conflicts arise.
Why Kids Argue With Their Parents
As mentioned above, kids argue with their parents over numerous things. There are many reasons why kids argue with their parents. Below are some of the reasons:
Kids and Parents Don’t Understand Each Other’s Point of View
The way you look at things is different from how your kids look at them, which can cause arguments. For instance, you insist that your child does his homework because homework is beneficial to his studies. However, your child doesn’t understand why people should bog him with a tedious and challenging assignment.
Parents Want To Be in Control
When your baby is born, you make decisions for them, including what to eat, when to eat and sleep, clothes to wear, etc. You’re thus in control of the child’s life, a feeling that you love. However, when the children start making their own decisions, you feel like you’re losing control, and arguments arise.
Everybody Wants To Win
When a person faces a challenge, the first instinct is to overcome the challenge and come out as a winner. Similarly, when kids argue with their parents, each wants to win the argument. Whoever wins the verbal fight feels a sense of superiority; that’s why the verbal battle can go on for hours.
Parents Are Protective
You always have your child’s welfare at heart, and you thus try to protect him by all means. For instance, when you try to stop your child from interacting with friends of questionable character, you try to protect him from danger. However, your kid feels like you’re trying to stop him from living his life, leading to arguments.
Children Develop Their Own Identities
As stated earlier, your kid’s identity is different from yours; they have their own values, thoughts, and opinions about life. For example, as kids develop their own identity, they dress in their style, associate with certain friends, etc. Their identity may clash with your expectations, which could lead to arguments.
Kids Feel Misunderstood
Many kids feel that their parents misunderstand them on numerous occasions. For instance, when your child asks for permission to hang out with their friends at the mall, you think your kid has ulterior motives and deny them the permission. The kid feels misunderstood, especially if they have no bad intentions and conflicts arise.
Additionally, some children – teens especially – are sarcastic by default. They don’t mean their sarcasm to come off as rude, and when you call them on it, they claim they were “only joking!” In their mind, that’s precisely what they were doing – joking. To you, however, their jokes are disrespectful and rude. Again, the child feels like you misunderstood his intentions.
Children Feel Disrespected
Sometimes arguments arise because your child feels like you’re disrespecting them. For example, if your child hangs their favorite musicians’ posters on their bedroom walls and you remove them, the child feels disrespected. In addition, if you go searching your kid’s room while they’re away, they feel disrespected.
Positive Effects of Kids Arguing With Their Parents
As stated earlier, arguments between parents and their kids are inevitable so long as they live in the same household. Interestingly, although arguments can be irritating and exhausting, several benefits of such arguments are explained below:
Arguments Help To Resolve Issues
If your family never argues, it could be a sign that people avoid confronting issues and aren’t open with each other. If this continues, the pent-up emotions will eventually explode, and the consequences will be devastating. So, arguments help the family be forthright with each other and resolve any issues.
Arguments Give Kids Confidence To Speak Out
Arguing respectfully and reasonably to reach an agreement helps your kids speak out from an early age. The arguments can help them learn how to handle disputes with other people as they grow up. In the world ahead of them, people often argue as they discuss disagreements and conflicts to resolve them.
Arguments Could Be a Sign of Respect
Although you may feel like your children disrespect you when they ‘talk back,’ arguing could be a sign of respect if it doesn’t flare up. Your kids should argue their case instead of ignoring you or disobeying you quietly; that would amount to disrespect. So, when your kids argue with you, it’s a sign that they respect you and want your approval.
Adverse Effects of Kids Arguing With Their Parents
Although kids’ arguing with their parents has positive effects, arguing can also negatively impact if it becomes the norm. Below are some adverse effects of kids arguing with their parents:
Arguments Can Lead To Disrespect
Some arguments can lead to disrespect between you and your kid, especially if they escalate. For instance, you can become outraged and start saying disrespectful things to your child without meaning to do so.
As parents, we know better than to let things devolve into name-calling. However, it’s possible the child may not have this sense of what’s inappropriate yet.
If arguments ever start escalating where one party or the other uses foul language, personal insults, or worse, you need to cut off the argument immediately. Tell your child with absolute finality that that kind of behavior is unacceptable and that the two of you will talk again when things have calmed down.
Arguments Could Become Physical
If you and your kid start yelling at each other and things rapidly go south, the argument could become more heated than it should.
Although you can manage your emotions as a parent, you can’t control your kid’s emotions. As a result, your child may lose their temper and begin throwing their toys, punching their pillow, or even slapping the walls and kicking their feet on the floor.
These kinds of temper tantrums are not healthy or constructive, and you should address them immediately. Children learn by example, so try to keep your arguments civil, and never become physically aggressive.
Remember, your young child throwing a toy across the room isn’t likely to cause much damage, but young children grow up. Teens and adult children who become physical are more dangerous, so it’s important to stop that behavior while they are young. Remember to always use your words only, and ensure that your children know to do the same.
Arguments Can Be Destructive
Again, arguments between parents and their young children aren’t likely to result in catastrophic damage to the home. However, even breaking toys and ripping clothes is destructive, and it’s a bad habit to start.
Arguments with teens, on the other hand, could potentially become destructive if they’re allowed to get out of control. It’s your job as the parent to make sure that no argument ever reaches that point.
Arguments Are Unproductive
From the earlier statistics shown in this article, parents spend about 14 minutes arguing with their kids daily, which adds up to numerous hours in the long run. You waste precious hours doing hurtful and unproductive work. You and your kids could be better off doing more productive things than arguing.
Arguments Are Unhealthy
Although it’s normal for kids to argue with their parents, it could become unhealthy if the arguing goes unchecked. You see, arguments are irritating, annoying, and exhausting; they drain all of you physically, emotionally, and mentally. The fights could eventually lead to unhappiness, stress, headaches, high blood pressure, or even mental health issues.
How Parents Can Moderate Arguments With Their Kids
As we have seen, there are positive and negative effects of kids arguing with their parents. As a parent, you can moderate the arguments you have with your kids so that the verbal fights don’t flare up and lead to adverse effects. Here’s what you can do:
Choose Your Battles
When all is said and done, it’s good to remember that you’re the parent during arguments with your kids. If you’re not careful, every conversation you have with your kids could turn into a fight, so choose your battles carefully. Try not to argue about everything; when an issue arises, decide if it’s worth an argument or not.
Some things may not be worth arguing about. For example, if you’d like your child to wear a particular item of clothing but he decides to wear something else, suggest your preference to them. However, if they don’t feel like changing their clothes, try not to insist.
Allow Your Kid To Win Sometimes
One thing that leads to flare-ups when parents argue with their kids is that many parents always want to win the arguments. However, you should listen to your kid’s opinions carefully and allow them to win if they present a reasonable and convincing argument. By doing so, your kid will feel that you value their point of view.
Set Boundaries for Arguments
Allow an argument with your kid to continue so long as emotions are under control and you think you’re moving towards a resolution. However, if both of you’re going round in circles and emotions start to run high, you should discontinue the argument. You could schedule a follow-up discussion later in the day.
Taking a break gives each of you time to calm down and think of ways to compromise or agree. In addition, your child gets the message that you’re the parent, and you’re in control, and thus they respect you even more.
Make the Kids Accountable for Their Actions
It’d be best to let your children know that you don’t condone unnecessary arguments. Also, let them know that there are repercussions for arguing unreasonably. For example, you could make your kid go to bed earlier for yelling at you during an argument.
If your child damages something during the fight – their favorite toy or their bedspreads and pillows, for example – don’t replace those items for them. Instead, make them purchase the replacements for themselves, either by paying cash or working off their debt through chores.
When you make the kids accountable, they’ll control their behavior in the future and argue reasonably and respectfully.
Give the Kids an Option
You can avoid some arguments if you give your kids an option. For instance, if your child says that they’re bored or tired of removing the trash, you can give them some alternative chores. You could give them a list of other duties they could do, such as feeding the dog, washing dishes, running errands, etc.; it’s a win-win situation.
Things Parents Should Avoid When Arguing With Their Kids
When you argue with your kids, sometimes you don’t agree or compromise and the argument could continue for hours on end. In addition, if the verbal fight becomes too heated, things could spin out of control. Below are some things you should avoid when arguing with your kids:
Avoid Bribing the Kids
Sometimes, there’s the temptation to bribe the kids when you can’t resolve an issue. For example, you could feel the temptation to promise your child some ice cream if they finish eating their broccoli. If you do so, you should expect more arguments with the child.
The reason is that your child will learn that you bribe them with something nice whenever there’s a stalemate in a fight. They’ll therefore initiate more arguments so that you can bribe them.
Do Not Lose Your Temper
It can be rather hard not to lose your cool, more so when your child argues unnecessarily and unreasonably with you. However, during the argument, always remember that you’re the adult, most notably the parent.
Control your temper because your child will learn acceptable behavior during disagreements by watching what you do. That means you need to handle every argument as calmly and as respectfully as possible. The more reasonable you are during an argument, the more likely your child is to remain reasonable, as well.
In addition, when you lose your temper, you bring yourself to the kid’s level, and they can see that you have lost control.
Avoid Laughing at Your Kids
You should avoid laughing at your kids regardless of how stupid and ridiculous their arguments sound. For example, if they insist that the answer they’ve given in their math homework is correct yet you can see that it’s wrong, don’t laugh at them. If you laugh at them, they’ll feel ridiculed and belittled, affecting their esteem.
If they insist that their answer is correct, point out that you know their answer is incorrect and leave it at that. The teacher will handle the rest in school; after all, the teacher is the final judge.
Do Not Give Up
Arguing with your kids can drain you in all ways, and sometimes you might feel hopeless and helpless about the constant arguments. At such moments, you feel like giving up. However, it would be best not to give up; remember that you’re not alone.
Giving up would translate to giving up on your kids. Numerous parents worldwide are going through what you’re going through. You can become an empowered parent and discover more effective ways to handle your children with some extra effort.
Conclusion
When kids and parents live in the same household, they can’t agree on everything. Arguing helps kids learn to speak out from an early age and eventually become independent thinkers. Once they become independent thinkers, they can face the world with all its challenges.
Although it’s normal for kids to argue with their parents, constant arguing isn’t productive or healthy for either the parents or the kids. If you try to moderate arguments but feel like things are getting out of control, it would be best to seek professional help.