It has been a challenge since the beginning of time to drop your baggage to love your kid, but it’s time we figure this thing out– together. Showing affection sounds natural, but for some people, it is a real challenge. There are many health reasons that people have that make it difficult to love their kids.
Sometimes, we are sensitive to our loss and can not provide the affection they need when we are grieving. Feeling private during a challenging event is an entirely normal, acceptable way to process a tough time. When you finish feeling your feels and thinking your strong thoughts, try love.
Understanding how to love your kids requires you to learn about them. People are different and have their own personal interests. Love is not about a vacation or an expensive gift. Love is showing that you care to show up each day to be present and keep trying.
Going back to basics is the best way to begin to understand your children better. Once you know some relatively simple things about your relationship with your child, you can try more elaborate signs of affection like toys and games.
There are no easy tricks or instant ways to succeed at true affection. Genuinely learning about yourself and your family will help you understand how to love them because you will be more aware of their interests and personalities. Be a part of their life– don’t fake it! For this post, we will focus on changing your lifestyle a bit to show you care.
1. Engage in conversation
Some kids like to talk all day, and some are more reserved. Depending on their mood, they may initiate conversation quickly or require a bit more attention. Whatever mood you or your children are in, try to communicate with them.
Please try to talk to them and not in their face at them! I call this air parenting, and I see it often. Parents like to talk to the air, expecting a response, but no one is listening if you don’t direct the conversation toward the child.
Conversations may not always feel easy. If you have trouble talking to your child, consider whether you are ignoring non-verbal cues and gestures. If you hear a huff or a huge sigh, say what you see–
I saw you take a deep breath.
As opposed to–
Did you see my kid huff at me?
Sometimes kids need confirmation that parents understand physical cues before they elaborate. When people use their bodies to make a noise, a huff, or a weird face, it is a form of communication. Ask yourself why you think your tiny human may have made a wiggly face or blew up their chest to engage in more conversation. If they roll their eyes, or sigh deeply again, try to connect again… and then again.
Remember, the goal is to love your family. Try not to pry or be forceful. You might already know why your child is feeling an immense feeling. Please continue to be engaged when you can, be kind to them when distracted, and be proactive about listening.
2. Pay attention
Try to practice listening skills. It is common for them to start talking when you are unprepared. Remember, they don’t always understand when the right time to communicate is. They are probably thinking about the last moment you were talking to them and going round in their heads to find an accurate way to communicate. If you are doing personal business, calmly tell them you cannot listen yet and will be through your task shortly.
Active listening skills are essential to learning because they are the foundation for empathy. There are non-verbal ways to be an active listener –head nodding, eye contact, opening arms, patting a shoulder, and soft facial expressions– and verbal skills– asking questions, summarizing, and clarifying. The goal should be to learn about your child’s interests and listen without judgment because you love them.
3. Cook
Use food to create meaningful experiences with your child. Learn how to cook something you have wanted to try together, or take a small element to a recipe to practice. Use plastic bowls, non-stick pans, and measuring cups to guide your kids into cooking. I recommend purchasing sets of bowls, utensils, and cups for them to have on a low shelf.
If you have books about food, look at the colors of the pictures and talk about the images you see. Try not to judge yourself if you have never created food the way it looks in the books. Chefs and writers spend years perfecting recipes and hours during the photoshoots to make it look like it appears in the pictures.
Talk about the senses while you cook and ask questions. Your child is different from you and might have something to point out that you don’t hear, see, or smell. Eat your creations together and talk about the colors, textures, and ideas for next time. Use these experiences to learn more about what your child wants to know. If they bring up a subject, try to understand why they brought up that topic.
They might say something like, “The next time we eat is when it is dark time.” if they are learning about your eating routines. Older children might ask, “Did we turn the stove off?” if they know safety rules in the kitchen. Use this time to let children express concerns, identify schedules, and wonder. The more you value their interests, the warm and cozy feelings of togetherness multiply.
4. Emotion-coaching
Drs. John and Julia Gottman created a communication plan called emotion-coaching. Most professionals practice this step-by-step layout of what to do when children express strong emotions.
Dr. Laura Markham has written about it, and Dr. Sears uses similar methods through his method called Attachment Parenting. Although attachment parenting emphasizes infant relationships, it is a solid foundation for parents who want to learn about bonding with their children.
Emotion-coaching helps parents bond by acknowledging their children’s emotions, being present with their current feelings, and helping them label the feelings they are experiencing. The goal is to learn about how your child is reacting by limiting your reactions– the parent.
Stay calm during an intense moment because it helps the child peak during a strong feeling and gradually decrease intensity. Stay present for as long as possible to help your child learn problem-solving skills as they continue to propose solutions and work through disappointment.
Help children feel heard and valued during intense emotional expressions because it truly is the best love you can provide. It is better than toys, vacations, and movies.
Learn to help your child identify how they feel and find proper solutions to their problems. Kids want to feel understood, but sometimes they settle to feel successful. Don’t let them settle. Do the hard work as the parent and try to be authentic with your concern and curiosity.
5. Patience
Most parents don’t like to hear it, and I know they hear it all the time, but patience does show your children you value them. Kids are tiny people. They do things slower than we do, think differently, and grow at different rates. I understand that it is challenging to practice patience, and no one is perfect; keep trying!
During moments of giant emotions, it is especially important to be patient. Learning patience isn’t just for your child either; it is for you too. You will feel better when you learn to identify your huge feelings and be calm through them. Accept that your feelings are valid and that it is okay to take care of your body when you feel empty. Learn to be patient through your struggles, and it will help you be more available for your child.
6. Let them create
Allow your children the opportunity to create and feel accomplished. Children watch adults do grown-up tasks, and they want to mimic those patterns. They see us perform our hobbies as well as cook, drive, and work. We must give them the tools to create things that will help them feel good about their ideas.
Some children still need to learn to play, while others may embrace their creative side with blocks, dress-up, or glue art projects. Kids are tactile and crave sensory experiences that encourage independent learning and creativity. Learn more about their sensory needs by gently nudging them to explore specific areas of a yard, house, neighborhood, or school that are developmentally appropriate and safe.
Provide these opportunities to show that you want to learn what they like and take the proper steps to value their creativity, uniqueness, and independence.
7. Give them space
Sometimes, I shudder when I hear this term. It is a statement that I know bothers me, and I am taking steps to understand why I dislike it so much. Fortunately, my kids say it all the time, helping me stay on track as I embrace my healing and personal acceptance.
Kids need space. Sometimes parents stress them out, and you must consider taking yourself out of the equation as they navigate through their lives.
Parents forget that they are tired and upset and get this “I should teach them a lesson.” mentality. It doesn’t work all the time. Sometimes it appears to be a helpful tactic, and we keep trying. It is important to remember that trying to teach them a lesson distances them from their true self. They are learning a lesson naturally, and it will look different from the message you are trying to convey.
When you distance yourself from your child, especially when they ask, you teach them that you value their independent thought and motives. They might do that thing you are trying to ask them to stop doing. Feel the disappointment when you see they are not listening and ask yourself if it is a “Biggie or smallie.” Use a warning sign when it is a biggie.
Use the phrase –warning, warning, warning– as an indicator that it is a big deal.
Replace the word warning with an action or an item you feel is concerning.
Fire, fire, fire
It is crucial to teach your child differences between genuinely unsafe actions– like running into a busy street or shooting fireworks at each other.
And something you are simply bothered by– like using a bit too much hand soap or riding a scooter with slippers.
Listen to their body and their words. They probably tell you when they need space from you already, so they may learn to reflect on their actions and understand you and your actions better too.
8. Create loving rituals
Did your mom ever write you notes in your lunch box or rub your hair when you cried? Children love small rituals that give them feelings of affection. Touch your kid’s bodies in a way that helps soothe them make them feel confident and loved. Everyone should have their love rituals like clapping games or singing the alphabet.
Make it fun for you too and learn what other people do. Try lullabies in different languages if you have an infant or brush your older daughter’s hair. Anything that you can do that helps you feel closer to your family will make everyone feel happy. I Love You Rituals by Becky Bailey, PhD., is an excellent book for learning rhymes and games for young children.
Let gender stereotypes wash against you like a wave and learn to be gentle with boys and rough house with females. Give your family different opportunities to connect through family rituals and listen to them when they show signs of discomfort or pleasure. You might find that a daughter enjoys working with her hands in a garage, and a male likes it when you paint together.
9. Follow promises
If your goal is to teach everyone to feel healthy, heard, and independent, you must follow through with what you say you will do. Parents often think that if they say the right thing, then their child will be compliant. Think about what you say, and if you want to bond with your child, you should keep your promises.
It is okay if you forget, but don’t make a habit of lying so your child will sleep, eat, or clean. Try to compromise and find solutions to problems rather than saying what they want to hear. Children are intelligent and will understand what you are doing. They will follow your habits too. If you notice that they aren’t committed to what they say they will do, consider if you are the one teaching them this behavior.
Families who value this communication skill will notice their children feel worthy and loved. They will understand they don’t always get what they desire, but they can continue negotiating and communicating goals, just as you have modeled.
10. Play with them
Like patience, parents get a little twitchy when they hear they should play with their kids. It doesn’t have to be a big deal if you understand how to guide them in the right direction and learn when to depart. Please read this post on my favorite ways to play with kids. Even when tired, grumpy, or busy, take some time to remind them that they can explore and learn.
Lawrence Cohen, Ph.D., and writer of the book Playful Parenting says kids need at least 15 minutes a day to play with a parent before they feel comfortable with independent play. Playing with your children teaches them how to connect, communicate, have fun, and helps them feel nurtured.
11. Be present and stop “parenting”
Sometimes, we are our own worst enemies. Our judgments get in the way of being authentic. When we hear the word “parenting,” we forget to be ourselves and decide to be an image of what we have interpreted as a parental figure. We are just human, and it is normal for us to create these roadblocks. We must also understand when it gets in our way.
Staying mindful and present with your children gives them the confidence they need to express their true identity because they witness your balance. Brains get jumbled easily, especially kid brains, because they want to please us, mixing up their motives.
Hold yourself accountable for your actions and be honest with yourself to increase communication and teach your family to value real presence, not characters, unless a dress-up playdate is involved.
12. Respect temperament
Doctors Stella Chess and Alexander Thomas were the first to start integrating temperaments into their research about children’s personalities. Learn about the nine temperaments to understand more about your children.
When you read about temperamental traits, consider if one sticks out more than another. Could any one of these be something that bothers you about your child’s personality? Many people are annoyed that children act a certain way, and they often can’t help it. If you respect a temperamental trait, you are more likely to bond with your child because you will understand that they aren’t purposefully trying to bother you. They are behaving uniquely.
13. Read to them
Learn to love reading, and your kids will love you! Children love cozying up next to a warm parent under a fleece blanket and hearing a story. Reading is a valuable skill and helps them learn the language, complex story structures, and conflict resolution.
If you don’t enjoy reading, start small to practice and work your way into it. Reading aloud can be challenging if you aren’t used to it. Diving into lengthy books too quickly can make you feel tired or bored if you don’t learn to love the intimacy and bonding time first. Check out the Five in a Row program if you are new to reading children’s literature or if you want to check out some fantastic book recommendations. The manuals are divided into different categories based on their recommended age ranges and are full of resources that make reading fun and enjoyable for everyone.
Love isn’t a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.”
Fred Rogers
14. Ask meaningful questions
Learn to ask more meaningful questions. Stay curious because you probably are, and try not to judge your children. If you are honest with your children about their goals, your questions will probably reflect genuine curiosity. Try to guide your conversations in a way that teaches your child to propose solutions and encourage deeper learning. If they look silly, even better! Smile with them, laugh and make silly faces, and engage in problem-solving so they feel loved and valued.
15. Lower your voice
Stay calm and decrease yelling because it will show your children you value their ideas. It goes along with patience, and it can be challenging– I know. Lowering your voice will help stabilize the family dynamic because you can listen, understand, and process goals. Children feel more engaged and comfortable expressing their true selves if they know they have a strong foundation. It would be best if you continued to try to be their strong foundation.
If you feel weak, consider if your temper is something you must work on in your time. Please do so in your own time, so it does not interfere with your child’s development. If you must yell to heal, do it in a safe place with a therapist, a listening partner who understands you, or in an outside area. Make a conscious choice to feel and embrace immense feelings, but do not direct your pain directly at your children– it is your pain. Children should not be held responsible for how you –the parent– process deep emotions.
16. Do it with them not to them
My absolute favorite mindset is the “do it with them” attitude. I learned this from writer and lecturer Alfie Kohn in Unconditional Parenting, which changed my life.
Help children with their problems instead of enforcing harsh rituals and punishments. It will change your relationship with your family. If parents did this all the time, the world of parenting would significantly improve because children would no longer feel attacked by parental motives. Children rarely understand why something is being done “to them” if they feel undervalued. They assume that parents want what they want, and that is the end of the road.
Change your parenting mindset to improve relationships with your children, and show affection no matter their actions. The goal should be to love your child regardless of their efforts and to actively find solutions to family problems without using love like a carrot dangling from a stick.
17. Fill your own love cup
Always save the best for last, right? If you want to improve your relationships and love your family, you must practice loving yourself. Begin by acknowledging your feelings and work to improve your self-care routine. You are unique, just like your child. They can not give you what you crave as an adult; you must learn how to provide yourself the love and relief you need to heal from everyday stressors. Self-care is a critical part of everyday life and will help you find your true identity because you learn your interests.
Model healthy behaviors for yourself and your family, and they will understand to value your personal time and learn when to make time for themselves. Practice filling your body with healthy foods, get outside, find hobbies, and make adult friends. Separate your own needs from your children’s and learn to value and love yourself.